THANKSGIVING in Cambodia...

...goes something like this:

Haven't seen enough? - Click here!

You Know You're Not In Cambodia Anymore WHEN...

...you see this sign:


AND, when your date lets you know how disappointed she is that you discarded the milk that she wanted to drink!

Happy to report that Pattaya is still a great place to be! Except the prices - as everyone else has reported - have gone up. I'm not quite the "handsome man" that I used to be. Dredge seemed to relish this fact. May the rain Gods descend upon him during his ride up-country.

How about this guy? How much could you sue for?

Suckered By Stripper, Man Sues

Arizonan says he was taken for $175k ride by topless dancer

OCTOBER 26--In a remarkably embarrassing new lawsuit, an Arizona man claims that he was bilked out of $175,000 by a Phoenix stripper who played him for a sucker for three years. According to a Superior Court complaint, a copy of which you'll find below, gullible Zachary Hull, 39, met Kimberly Jennings in November 2001 while she was working as a topless dancer. Jennings claimed that she stripped to pay for her college tuition and "painted a tale of woe and honest needs" so that Hull would "feel sorry for her," alleges the complaint. Hull told Jennings that she should stop dancing and "that they should get to know each other and become friends. In exchange he would assist her with money for her financial needs." From that point, Hull contends, Jennings fed him lie after lie so that she could "manipulate [him] into providing her with funds." The list of stories (or "false representations" as they are called in the lawsuit) swallowed by Hull is lengthy, covering everything from supposed chest infections and dental surgery to breast cancer treatment and moving expenses. Hull claimed when he confronted Jennings about her finances, she would become defensive and warn that if he did not cover her expenses she would return to stripping. Jennings "actively concealed" her real name, and the fact that she was married and had children, claimed Hull, who also named Jennings's husband as a defendant in his fraud complaint. Hull is seeking the return of his $175k, along with interest and legal fees.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/1026053hull1.html

New Found Appreciation

In my younger days, I really dug the Olympics. It was all about the competition and wanting to see the US win as many medals as they could.

At some point, I seemed to have outgrown that stage and I haven't paid much attention to them in several years. What have I been missing???

These are not your father's Olympians!!!

And I certainly never thought that I would be supporting Chinese athletes. But when they look like this AND they promote Anchor...WIN WIN!!!

For some reason, this photo seems appropriate here:

So do these...

And I'm not partial to just the Asians!

But then again...

They even had cheerleaders!

















Finally, Michael who?


Somehow I suspect that London 2012 just won't be the same.

The More Things Change

As much as the Cambos profess to dislike the Thais, it doesn't stop them from emulating them.

Wrote a couple of weeks ago about the possibility of a dry weekend this coming weekend thanks to the election and our fearless leader (a lovely article about him - http://www.atimes.com/atimes/Southeast_Asia/JG23Ae01.html).
Laughed it off.

Not so quickly. Two well-known and well-visited establishments received notices yesterday saying that they are not to have any sales this weekend. "No sales" as in no food and no drink. As in "we really think that you should close."

Now there definitely could be technical ways around this, but in the end, these are the same guys that could make problems for your business...especially if there are any girls frequenting or working in the place.

So as of last night, these popular places are planning on shutting down for the weekend.

What's that? You say you can go 48 hours without drinking? Well, how about without seeing Srey Srey? If the places close, where ya gonna go for your trim?

By the way, Champagne had already been planning on closing, just for Saturday, I believe.

What to do? I would suggest checking on your planned destination before departure. And as things stand, you might be best off to have a walk about.


The More They Remain The Same

R-Cat still being Russell-ed.

Spoon-Ur is still an idiot!

DB had a few choice words for him not so long ago - http://pnhconfidential.blogspot.com/2007/10/androo-spoon-ur-makes-bank-and-other.html

Now he just won't go away.

Quick summary - the guy, who supposedly does research and writes for the little known (for good reason) Foot Print Guide, walked by CA2 one afternoon, saw the staff sitting outside with nothing to do, and declared the place hooker infested. Some guidebook this must be with incredible efforts into researching destinations such as this.

Anyway, Androo was lucky enough to warrant a couple of paragraphs in Jim's Farewell article in last month's Pearnik (page 4) - http://bayonpearnik.com/html/Issue142/index.htm. Seems that Jim made the fatal mistake of giving Spoon-Ur more credit than he deserves and said that he worked for the Rough Guide, not ToeJam, err...Foot Print.

So our research expert emails Jim, comments on his "rather strange piece" in the Pearnik, tells Jim of his error and tells him that he should get his "basic facts right" as it makes him "look dim if you don't" (This guy obviously is EXPERT on this!), and then proceeds to present a copy of the CA2 review that he intends to put in the ToeJam Guide.

This guys has never set foot in CA2 but he describes the size, color, and shape of the rooms, in addition to "bas-reliefs on the walls" and even the view from the rooms. Wonder where he plagiarized this stuff from?

Not only that but if the wanker had done a little more research in what seems to be his primary source of research material (the Pearnik), he would have come to the PP Pub Page on page 13, in which the second sentence of the article states, "That’s right after seven years on the riverfront Cali2 was to close it’s door’s to it’s many fans, regulars and tourist guests a like, and it seemed like half the town crammed in to say goodbye."

CA2 has been closed since the 5th of May!

Well, can't blame the guy from not reading the Pub Page, but research is his job, and he seems to really suck at it. Buy and/or use the Foot Print Guide at your own peril!

A Bunch of Stuff

Zeppelin Bar, 5:10am
$1 vodkas, $1.50 dumplings. Kick-ass music.* Rockin' to Pantera and IceEarth 'til daylight. Pie-eyed and lounging out front with Plunger. Spying the action at the crackhouse across the street. Ogling the cuties doing the Heart-Walkabout trail. Good show. Then suddenly from out of nowhere...

ChocolatePixie giving me a hard sell. Dark-skinned Viet telling me what she could do. Toe to toe - jabbing her finger and laying it out for me, "HEY! I Suck you good. You no work - ANYTHING...." Words I like to hear. She hit me with a classic,

"No cum. No pay."

Yes. Never hear that anymore. Unless she's being sarcastic..and sarcastic's kind of a turn-on. I know a bad idea when I see one. Getting ready to bite into a Kamagra BUT alarm bells going off...

ChocolatePixie speaks real good English. She's got the pitch down right. Got the yama-chic body, too...And she's kinda hot. So...Why haven't I ever seen her before? Did the inventory of stealable items at Chez Bong: smoke, laptop, i-pod, cell phone, new shoes...Proofing the apt would be hassle. Had to say no. Maybe I'm getting wiser.

No. That's not it.

Huxley's
Where is a Cali2 refugee to go? Go where there's Zappa, Vodka and Bumfights. Getting fucked up with Publisher and Publican watching Rufus the StuntBum do his thing on Youtube. We went from high school girl fights to Kimbo Slice to midget boxing to Bum Fights. Somewhere in the world someone was trying to cure cancer.

I was digging the scene at Huxley. Great bartender makes a kick-ass martini. It's $4 but it's got 2.5 shots of vodka in it and goes down super-smooth. Toothless German-Swiss chef makes very good food for a very fair price, too. Place is a win.

Robbie from Sharky/Shanghai decided to go upscale and what he came out with it right in the middle. A place to take clients and have a nice-girl date - and when you're done - go downstairs, booze with boys and watch Rufus bang his head into walls for a $1.

Sharky Bar:

CaliJim came on board and had the sound system fixed. Place sounds great and the new lighting works. Staff still oblivious but - that's part of the charm. You want some prozac'd-up fairy in a striped shirt and suspenders in your face every 5 mins asking if you need a refill? I think you don't.

Mixing up the music (a bit) to keep the ladies happy works - they actually stay 'til around 2am. Get your fill with the mixed drinks at $1.25 (12-2am) Then take your sorry drunken self over to Zep to watch the show.

Deaf Girl & French Tweeker:
Sharky's. 12:30am. 2 new VCs doing some recon for their friends. They locked onto a Korean with a bottle of Bacardi. In the background - good deaf-mute girl on a tear. Bought her a Tiger. Big mistake. Earned me a 20 min pantomime of her sorry state of affairs. Jumping up and down, drunken tears, waving her hands, grunting and squeaking...Something to do with flying or falling; the number 4 kept coming up. She wouldn't go away. When she did, she'd come back to "retell" the tale. Finally, she moved on. My buzz and libido (barely) intact.

Skeezed out French tweeker watched intently. 10 mins after she'd left, he sidled up. Wanted to know what language I spoke. Demanded to know what the deaf girl told me...because he doesn't speak English. I didn't feel like explaining she's mute. She never tells anyone anything. No one knows what she's on about. Told him I didn't know. Told him it had something to do with the number 4. He didn't believe me. Thought I was holding back. Demanded to know more. Glared at me. He went back to his seat and waited for the ceiling to collapse on his head.

I mentally picked my nose and flicked a booger at him.

And that's as much writing as I'm going to do about a drunk deaf-mute courtesan and a suspicious-minded tweeker Frenchman.

Started early today and can't remember why I'm writing about this. I guess the point is - despite metered taxis, new shopping malls, and KFC, it's still good to be here. Still plenty of free entertainment. Nah,..there's no point.

It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

*If you like hard rock and very heavy metal

Not Really Worth The Wait

KRUSTY THE CLOWN

Know him? Well, the Khmer version seems to be an organization, not a person.

What’s up with The Pizza Company???

The last several times that I have ordered from them, I have been informed that the Pan crust is not available – only the Crisp crust. OK on occasion, but part of the reason that I have considered this the best pizza in Cambodia is the crust.

A couple of weeks ago, the whole crust crap came to a head. My menu shows two types of crusts – Pan and Crisp. So when I placed the order for my pizza and the monkey asks what type of crust would like, I am excited! They must have Pan crust! I then tell him Pan crust and he tells me, “Sorry sir, Pan crust finished".

I want to get a bit of pleasure out of this whole thing and I ask him what kind of crust I can have. “Crisp crust OK Sir?” I ask him what my options are and he does not understand. I tell him that if there is no Pan crust then I can only have Crisp crust. “Sorry sir, no have Pan crust,” and it all begins over again (guess he wanted to have some fun as well).

Finally I tell him that I’ll take the Crisp crust. Long pause and, “Sorry sir, no have Crisp crust.” WTF??? So I ask him if what I am hearing is that I can order a pizza as long as I do not want the crust. No answer – he does not understand. I try to tell him that since they have no Pan crust and no Crisp crust, I can only have pizza without crust. He then starts the whole thing over again explaining to me that they no have Pan or Crisp crust.

Stop it already!!!!

I will NEVER order pizza from The Pizza Company again! Only Pizza World and Chez Dim - if you have not already, give them a shot.

On the subject of great pizzas, I certainly hope that nothing changes if and when CornerBar Mark unloads the Corner Bar and his pies. Always makes that ride down that much better knowing that you'll be treated to one of those delights.

IT'S ALL ABOUT MAKING FRIENDS

If you’re a nappy-headed, pony-tailed, dick-smokin, wirey Brit with something up your ass, don’t start bitchin to the Khmerican and PNik (also a Brit) at the BigM about your American boss, who happens to be a friend of the two, then insist that PNik is Broken Dave (the only similarity there is that they are both rather vertically challenged), then wander off to YourLien where PNik is enjoying the rest of the evening with SAndy and DonBong, and start spouting off about what shite Yanks are and just as much so, the Brits that hang with them, because you’re gonna get your ass kicked…BY THE BRIT…TWICE!!!

You twat!

All that’s left for us to do is relay your remarks to your always-too-happy-to-kick-some-ass, oversized boss and you’ll be out of a job and the rest of your hair and teeth.

HOLIDAY REVISITED

(Twenty-five official holidays this year in Cambodia, so those of you that get paid for them - enjoy!)

Yeah, we're long beyond them but some kudos need to go out.

Anyway, Fat Boy and Taco were quite busy. Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas boat cruise dinner, and Christmas eve dinner. Just how many Turkeys this country handle?

Well, an excellent job done each time and an extra credit goes to Taco for ensuring that the boys working at CA2 didn’t miss out.

The Christmas boat cruise was a great time – thank you Adam and other sponsors – with several revelers not ready to get off of the boat after a 5+ hour tour. Usually 3 hours is more than enough. Khmerican rarely partakes of the herb, but he chose to this time. He knew it had done its job when he was looking at the local families fishing from their boats/huts on the river and thought that really is the way that life was supposed to be lived – maybe that’s the real reason that he is in Cambodia. Of course, a clearer(or not) mind prevailed the next day and I am still in the relative luxury of my secure flat.

Speaking of the fishing boats, I must say that I am quite disappointed in the arm of the KCKid as I believe that my Grandmother, who died at the age of 94 more than 7 years ago, has a better arm than he does. You really should be ashamed of yourself!

Not to say that big man AAAC’s arm was any better. For that big of a boy, I certainly hope he makes up for it elsewhere!

Still on the holidays, I did make it down to the coast for the new year. As usual, was not ready to return to PP, but just had to. It was a blast and makes me wonder why I ever bothered with Bokor when that was going off.

An absolute barrage of fireworks on Ocheteul from at least 9:30 on.

And speaking again of the beach, is it just horny old me or are the girls at the beach looking better? Upon first visit in 2000, EVERY chickie wore full gear into the water – jeans, shirt, iron-clad bra, etc. Now, there’s so many more shorts cruising around, not to mention the bathing suits.

Having a bite before heading back to PP, Khmerican was drooling over all of the little brown-eyed girls wandering around in their sexy attire. No mistaking the place for the Big P across the border, but I like the way things are going.

And Rosie is back after an almost fatal accident last year. She's no longer on the hill but is now in the Christmas Bungalows just down from Golden Lions circle towards the Golden Sands Hotel, I believe it is called.

If you haven't been there before, you'll get great portions of tasty food for a very nice price. And if you've got a V in tow with you, even better as she'll fix up some nice Viet food for her.

Welcome back Rosie!

Last thing about the holidays - Khmerican was thinking that he was a bit lucky this year as V-girl did not return to the Delta for Tet. Lucky because it saved him some money. But then again, it's usually the one time a year that the Khmerican can enjoy some freedom. So how lucky was I. What would you be willing to pay for a week of F-R-E-E-D-O-M???

unLUCKY

About a week ago I rolled by Lucky Market on Sihanouk to pay a special visit to the little Blue Spot. When I came down, the place was relatively empty (it WAS 7:30 a.m.) so I decided that now was a good time to sign up for the unLucky Membership Reward card. You see, although I despise these things, the little Viet that lives with me keeps telling me about all of the great things that we are missing out on. Spend $20 and you get something like a $2 voucher for Lucky Burger – wooh-hoo!

So I go to the counter and announce that I would like to sign up for a card.

“You have receipt, sir?”

“No, no have receipt.”

“Oooo, I’m sorry sir.”

“Do I need receipt?”

“Yes sir. I’m sorry sir.”

“But I just want to sign up for a card…fill out application.”

“Oooo, sorry sir. You need receipt”

“So there’s no way for me to sign up for a card without a receipt?”

Pause…"Sorry sir. Cannot.”

The Viet wants the card, she can go get it herself.

Happy &@#$&% Holidays!

SKINT
It’s what you become when you have a girlfriend in Cambodia. So learn from my experience and just DON’T DO IT!!!

Where the hell were we?

Karma
Do you believe in it? I usually do, but with the way things are going for me lately (I THINK I’m a good guy), where is my good karma???

When I last wrote, I told you about the girl getting hit by little-big-man. Well, who knows what has become of him, and who really cares?

But the girlie that he hit has had a bit of luck since then. That whole ordeal happened on a Sunday night. The following Tuesday, she won the grand prize at the WA pool tournament – a nice little $25 bar tab.

Things didn’t end there. Three nights later, she makes her weekly pilgrimage to the WA Joker Draw. You guessed it, her number is drawn and bang…she turns the Joker! $1,500+ in cold hard cash (well, US Dollars, but they are still worth something in this country). She is kind enough to throw an after party party – after the WA “$500” party – and buys a bottle of Vodka, Whiskey, OJ, several cans of Red Bull, a few beers, and several plates of food. All in, a pay back to those that stuck around of $130. Nice gesture (are you reading this you Welsh prick that won $8,000+ and shouted not one frickin thing?!?!).

Not finished yet, after trying to decide what to do with such a windfall (buys jewelry, buys gold, sells gold..), she decides to buy a moto for $950. Moto is already registered and has plates so she plays the plate number on the lottery and wins another $70!

Finally, next Tuesday she’s the winner of the losers at WA and gets another $15 bar tab.

Cute side on this, boyfriend (on the advice of DQDTJ) tells her that his mother’s buffalo died and could she buy her a new one. Without much hesitation, girl asks, “How much is buffalo is USA?”

Only real loser here is the boyfriend, who is wondering why all he got out of the deal was a measly few beers, and within 2 weeks, she had her hand out again for what-ever-the-fuck her relatives (or local boyfriend) “needed” it for! I told you, DON’T DO IT!

Bon Om Tuk
I believe a good time was had by all – well, with the exception of the 5 water-logged Singaporeans. Just how do supposedly skilled rowers drown in a river like the Tonle Sap? Not like it is a raging river. And over 24 hours later, the bodies hadn’t even been dragged as far as the Mekong – they were still in the Tonle Sap near the FCC and the Cambodiana.

Worse yet was the Khmer that apparently drowned. Only know of this from the one-small-paragraph mention in the Daily that said that they pulled him out near the Cambodiana with a couple of Singaporeans. Guess locals really don’t matter

And is it my imagination of are the province girls HOT these days?!?!?! Note to self, get the hell out of PP a bit more!

Lockdown!

Heee’s Baaack!

Time to lockdown your young (but of-age) chickies, as the Mighty PG Power Ranger has returned from his visit to the ‘rents in Blandcaster. No little hottie is safe, so keep your eye (and hands) on your favorite(s), or he’ll be sure to snatch them from you!

By the way, his first night back in town was spent defacing PG coverboys and then promptly passing out on his bed, doors (and drawers?) wide open! Obviously does not take much to out-do Blandcaster.

Welcome back Power Ranger.

Job wanted

Want a (new) job, better paying work, or an even-more successful business? Apparently all you have to do is contribute to this blog. Several contributors have had just that happen, and we can only assume that’s why they never fucking post anymore

Holiday season is here and everyone’s got their shit going on. 12 Beers of Christmas is right around the corner…or is it? And are they going across the river or aren’t they. Changes daily so keep your ears open!

Sharky birthday dinner on the 21st. Still hoping there’ll be a repeat of the party like the one 2 year’s ago, but chances seem slim. Who in attendance has stopped talking about that one?

Rumor of a boat cruise this weekend, but I guess that I am out of the loop, so tell me all about it.

And it looks like the annual pilgrimage out of town for a new years celebration is on hold for the Khmerican this year. That in addition to the rest of these functions. “What’s up with that” you ask. Because I am SKINT!!! My money flows down the river towards Vietnam faster than any Southeast Asian does!

DON’T DO IT!!!

Merry Fucking Christmas...go ahead and celebrate...it’s not just about JC anymore!!!

Is it Me?

Decided to do the town Sunday. For a change, I went to California 2 to kick things off. Dig the Screwdrivers - lots of Vodka. OJ an afterthought. Don't want to be OD'ing on vitamin C. Met up with SOF - fresh from a Balkan guard tower.

California 2:

Watched the end of the Denver - Green Bay game. Good one. Thankfully, KYgreg not there to ruin it by telling us the score. Mellow Aussie showed up. Conversation moved to fish tacos, Slavic sit-coms (not funny - but you laugh when they tell you to...or your whole family dies...), and late night Balkan programming. Right on time - naked chicks...Who needs writers? Hollywood should take note. We lamented the lack of late-night porn on Cambodian TV and decided it was time to move on. Work on the horizon. Big M, tempted, but...

Too early for the Walk(about)....

The Dollhouse:

Always wondered about this place. Now I know: Cuties working the place. Stiff drinks. Good atmosphere. Angry Indian at the bar glaring at me...Probably because I was doing a line in the bathroom at Angry Muppet Bar* one night, and he insisted I get out so some hostess he was playing daddy for could take a leak. Told them both to fuck off and finished my line. Hey man...she can wait 30 seconds for me to finish a line....(Is it me?) Anyway, Dollhouse a good time. Tasty chili-chips beat bar peanuts any day. Noticed a pool table in the back and booze ran about $2.00/vodka. Good company. Good prices. Win.

My Lien:

I'm a heal for not stopping in here more often but My Lien's doing well without my help. Busier than I recall - and it was Sunday night - got some new staff working the place and a good vibe goin' on. Pool table in back; still waiting for the dartboard. Cute little VC behind the counter wearing a sly grin. I love that grin. Mentally undressing better than what was on TV. Even the pregnant chick looking good...yeah pregnant but she's dark and has a tattoo...Right. Time to go. Besides...fuck me (!!).....an early morning looming darkly on the horizon. Gotta get to sleep....

Walkabout:
One more couldn't hurt. Decent crowd for a school night. The Felon looking fine in tight white cocktail dress...diggin' the new hair - make-up combo, and since I have nothing left to steal...Ordered another and thought it over. R-Cat blitzed. All chill at the bar being hawked by a pair of admirers. He still had his cell phone and wallet in his pocket- unless they were already gone. But if they were already gone, then what are the pair still doing there? Enough Sherlock Holmes shit....7 am wake-up call taunting me. One more and out. Sort of...

Taco Shack:
$2 beef burrito a winner. $1 drinks a winner. Outdoor seating a winner. Decided to win. Girl working there doesn't like my new hairstyle. She had to re-work my coif. Too beat to argue. Besides, where else can you get a decent burrito, a vodka, and some help with the hair for $3 at 1am on a Sunday?

Universal. Sunday night's cool. It's Monday morning that sucks.

(*located near the Heart)

Reality Brings Me Back

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

It's All About the Size

King's Birthday and a term-break at the university mean that, once again, I have too much time on my hands. My mind wanders. And shit happens and sometimes I get to see it.

Sharky Bar:
12:40am and the kitchen. Group of Khmer chicks come in - they look like lock-downs*. Car keys, stylish purses,...buying Baily's and glasses of wine. One orders fried rice. Order placed. Word from the kitchen staff: "It's 20 mins to close. I'm not making fried rice for some girl..." That was the message as it was conveyed. 20 mins is a bit early to close up....Formidable floor manager not interested in having a showdown with the kitchen matron and her praetorian guard. She gets mellowUK to deal. He does.

"WHY NO FRIED RICE!?!"

Explanation:
They were out of rice. The staff didn't want to whip up a new batch with 20 mins 'til close. They had noodles. Can she do with noodles?

Right. An explanation that made sense. And a solution to the problem. Why wasn't it communicated that way in the first place? The important thing is - it's not my problem.

Lots of new faces in town just in time for the low season. Dig that. Lots of returnees also - the good kind. Where do they go? To give birth? To dry out? To wait for the HIV meds to kick-in? One said they camped out in Sihanoukville for the high season. Whatever. They're alive and kicking. Nice backdrop for the banter. What I can pull-up:

• Cambodian porn. Seen it in the market and always wondered. Now I know. Shot on a cell phone - 2 VCs and 4 Khmers go into a hotel room. Laughs, giggles,...someone holds up a towel - for privacy- and we get about 15 mins of people disappearing behind a towel. Cambodian porn - it's all about the size - of the towel.

• Lake Ebola, Cambodia - A pool of 6-10 Nigerians congregated near the front (free) pool table. But hey, they don't cause trouble, some of them buy drinks...They laugh, tell stories, and sometimes they whoop and holler and dance around the table chanting something. Trying to induce rain? Celebrating a nice shot? Or maybe just gearing up for one of those magic moments when they tie one of their friends up, bash his head in, and drop him in the river.
  
• Good fried rice. But look out for the 1.50 surcharge if you want shrimp. I think my girl got about 5 shrimp - hardly enough for me to pick at while she wasn't looking.
  
• Grey Goose vodka available - good stuff ($50/bottle)
• Beware a woman scorned - especially if it wasn't you who did the scorning. You might find yourself cornered into playing Oprah for an endless drunken, teary bitch-session. If you're lucky you get 2 in one night.
  
• Street 104 - booze - cars - motos - a police general - an arrogant Auzzpat in a Lexus SUV. SMASH. General comes down in a krama to see the remains of his front-end. Asks the (possibly drunken) Auzzpat, "What the...?? You'll need to fix this damage..." Auzzpat looks at the krama-clad Khmer and promptly tells him to piss off. Well done. Now he won't need to fix the damage. He'll be busy buying the general a new car. (Maybe one with running lights, a spoiler, and California license plates...)
• Kicking around an open mic night. Live music usually a win. Anyone interested in laying it down? Let it be known.
  

Howies Bar:
Need to re-assess my late-night habits: some very nice girls working there but some overfed shrews as well - all led by a pernicious little man selling $2 vodka. Going here after the Big M is like waiting in line for fast food. Do you really need a hassle to indulge in something that isn't really good for you? It was an excuse to hang out a little more at the end of the night but things change. Time to start going home after Martinis - or at least skip straight to Walkabout.

Walkabout:
3am. Wall to wall company. The low season indeed. Or perhaps it's always that way. Usually I don't get there 'til past 5am. Beware the $2 noodle soup. Tasty but as far a drunken stomach is concerned...you're better off with the ($2) chicken nuggets. Damn fine. And you might get to see:

• An angry (ex) bar girl nail 2 teachers with the same bottle. It was all in the follow-through. Ron Guidry'd be proud. Stitches: $20 for about 10 at Calmette. Anesthetic not included.
• Angry bar owner getting some exercise - waiving a bar stool at security as he weaved his way out the bar. Pretty athletic, and he had his reasons. (I guess.) It only took a few flashes from the electric baton to get him out the bar and into a tuk-tuk.
  
• They seem to have a new manager - Khmer dude with a head on his shoulders and an ear for livelier music. Right-on.
  

A weak post, I know but - cut a brother some slack....I've been on sabbatical (great word.) In the meanwhile, check this out. Made me smile.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/tsgtv/index.html?id=Site9&link=TSGTVshlk



(*they have foreign husbands and/or boyfriends)

Lazers, Lights, Morons

Apology: Ubercon's last post about an idiot crashing his Toyota near 51 and 172 was tragically deleted. Thanks to those of you who sent comments.

I just read a short (good-natured) desciption of this blog as being a Chronicle of Louche Expat Life in PNH. After looking up louche, I decided perhaps they were right. Maybe I should serve the public. Provide indepth reports on poverty alleviation, health care, multiculturalism, and empowerment. Then I thought - I do. Anyway, it got me thinking about International Women's Day - which coincided with $1 spirits night at Sharky Bar.

Sharky Bar:
CoolCatCurtis was celebrating his birthday and pondering the implications of Women's Day. I was too. A favorite topless dancer back in town. Says she got married. Note: Angry Western men are not the only ones who lament the decision to marry. Sexy VN exhibitionists do also. But before I could console, she was off grabbing tourist crotch and quoting (very) out-of-town prices. Empowerment. Go girl. Hey,

Teach her to fish and she'll eat forever.
Teach her what a dumbass tourist looks like, and she'll... buy a house, a moto, 10 hectares, and a bitchin' cell phone with hi-res video.....

Also recalled:

• CoolCat's immediate, instinctive response to someone (playfully) touching his gold bracelet. Like lightening. Happy B-day man
• Diharreah is good for high cholesterol.
• Favorite KKrom back in town after, "...one week in Kampuchea Krom. Now come back to Phnom Penh..." Cool. They usually say they went to Vietnam. This one knows where she's from. WORD.
• Harvest in. Kicking my ass.
• Duelling bodyguards, drunk scooter douches, and twisted metal on Ponchentong Rd. Another weekday afternoon in the Capital. Stay tuned for more on that one...
• Local universities vetting their PhDs? Not so says one . So hey, need a change? Hit a doc shop, pick your doctorate and score yourself a $20+/hr gig at a university near you.
  

Martini Bar and Disco:
Lasers at the M. Lasers, lights, and (maybe) an upgrade on the sound system. It is a sight. Like being caught in an Ewok ambush with light sabers and laser beams flying left and right...However, drunk and mellow - it was too much for me. I had to sit down. I like it dark in the disco - We all look better in the dark - but hey, it looks good. Hopefully they'll limit the light shows to 10 mins here and there. Besides, if they get too hip with all that flash, we may get more like:

The Nasty Bear:
Drunk, annoying, and built like a T-72. Russian hits dance floor and does her cross-floor stomp accompanied by a gaggle of Khmers. Seemed friendly - hugging, grabbing at the girls.... 30 minutes and the Bear wants to sit down. Khmer girls start asking her for a $ - for the dancing, etc....Bear goes ballistic. Starts throwing kicks and punches in every direction - and with intent. Security steps in. Major struggle. They get her dumb ass back in a seat. Show wasn't over - 2 Australian dickheads she came with decide they need to begin their campaigns for:

The Dumbest White Man of the Year Award:
It's a crowded field but they made a statement. Hit the floor doing the dumb-ass strut up and down, left and right - essentially keeping the Khmers off the dance floor since they'd get run over if they stepped in. Security wanted a major piece of them but since they weren't doing anything wrong (technically) and it was 2:30am anyway,...they stood and stewed, and took notes. May they all get what's coming to them.

Where the White Women At?

Notes from Plunger. Still down in Old Mexico and chomping at the bit to

GET THE FUCK OUT.

• Uniformed cops shaking down foreigners in the street
• Sly ladyboys angling for your wallet, et al....

Can you imagine??

Year of the Pig:
Chinese New Year is winding down. We are officially in the The Year of the Golden Pig. I can feel it. It wasn't just the Ticos bombing around town with big branches hanging out the windows or the SUVs with torch-sized sticks of burning incense sticking out the back. I feel PIG. It feels right. It's going to be a good one! (Knock on wood...)

Where the White Women At?
Blame it on the Rambler. He had 2 silver bellies in tow, it was getting late, Jim at Cali2 angling to get us the hell out so he could go party. Where do you take 2 well-heeled White women at that time of night?

Pontoon:
We weaved our way down the Quay towards the landing across from Street108. Burned one on the way. Preventative RX. Safety-word, "Sharky." First sign of trouble, "Sharky!" and we'd be out the door. And so - down the steps through a wall of stench (the boat is located next to a sewer outlet) and into another world.

We hit the scene. Whale and Porpoise were already at the bar- being chatted up by some Brit sporting a large camera with a telephoto lens. He was trying hard to scam them and....it was funny as hell. Go for it, Rico Suave. Gotta love a guy working chicks at a barang bar with the aid of a camera...("I'm doing fashion in London, but I came over to do some travel shots for the Agency....")

Vodka from the Khmer kid behind the bar. Reasonable. ($2) Music from the stereo: Marvin Gaye and Curtis Mayfield. Cool. Maybe I got this place all wrong. Maybe there's a world beyond Howies and Sharky and Martini's and Sophies...

Then the crowds started showing up. Barangs you know live here, yet you've never seen before. They came in cars and white SUVs. They dressed up to go out. Silk shirts. Khakis. Dudes in coordinated outfits. People who wear watches. (!!)

The music changed. Curtis was gone. Techno-electronic crap took over. I couldn't remember the "get-away" phrase. Bad scene. Porpoise ordered a round of pink drinks called, Californications. ($2.50, I think.) I felt like the un-easy rider. But I was drunk and high and watching the NGO/Embassy crowd try and cut loose - without really cutting loose was kind of fun.

Dregde showed up with an ex-Cyrcee cutie. Barang wives and girfriends took note. Win. Pink drinks for everyone! We broke out a bone and sparked it. NGO-dude working the bar not down with a taxi-girl scene but hey, Pontoon is smoke-friendly. Score one for 'em. Comfortable booths, too. Middle-aged couple behind us caught the 2nd hand smoke. Wife looked pissed. Guy looked envious - maybe thinking about what could have been....

DJ Luv showed up and got the techno shit off the sound system and started playing grooves that didn't make me angry. Porpoise and Whale said they had 2 bottles of wine and some beer at their place. Rambler said it wasn't enough. Martini's on the horizon.

Decisions

The holiday season is here. Beggar kids in Santa hats. Hotels and restaurants advertising $40 dinner buffets....Trees, lights,....Festive.

Last night festive meant a 10pm kick-off at California2 Guesthouse with a bottle of vodka and White Zombie on the stereo. It ended around 5am with a drunk-ass Bong trying to choose between the girl that tried to steal my laptop and the girl with the 1/2 African baby.

Decisions. Decisions.

Sharky Bar:
Packed last night. Good mix of tourists and expats downing cheap booze and digging the heavy metal mix. I set a date with a sexy Viet with big shoulders and a happening red dress. Watched a bunch of waitresses get bombed on Johnny Walker Black while CoolCatCurtis gave me the lowdown on Pattaya, and we all talked shaving with cold water (shampoo works well, as does a layer of soap+ shaving cream.)

ChillLarry came through with smoke and we talked books. James Ellroy is a god. James Lee Burke writes killer dialogue, Elmore Leonard is supremely cool, and.....

Inside Asia Magazine- the latest entry into PNH's free mag market- is out and...it kind of sucks. More importantly, they've managed to piss off some major advertisers by not bothering to send them copies. (It's already the 20th of the month.) I scanned a copy and...it's like the Pocket Guide but probably a lot more expensive to print. I didn't notice much in the way of original content -just a bunch of restaurant/ bar/hotel listings. The Pocket Guide's got that covered and...it fits in your pocket.

The devil in the red dress bailed when I wasn't looking (smart girl) and I needed to plot a new course. I figured I was wasted enough to stomach it so....

The Heart of Darkness:
Fucker tried to charge me $2 for a vodka w/ice. (Should be $1.50) Wall to wall chicks. I found a quiet place in the corner of the dance floor and watched the action unfold. Too many choices. Overload. I decided another drink would help. It didn't. I grabbed a 30-something and headed to Howies.

Howies Bar:
The boys were out in force. I don't recall much and I'm not sure why I started shouting angrily about Nazis. The 30-something took away my booze and we started talking about how Shanghai Bar could be better. Given the subject and the state we were all in...It was a short conversation. Shout out to BigRob: He knew I was too wasted to fuck and ran my girl out the door. Saved me $20...Dig. Howie decided to close early and my 9:40am class loomed on the horizon, so....

Walkabout:
Figured one more couldn't hurt. For once it didn't. Downed it. Said no to my favorite vampire vixens and hopped on a moto. I made it home and grabbed a few hours of shut-eye before class.

No bedspins. No throwing up. Even managed to fry up some food without burning the shit out of myself.

A pretty good start to the day.

The Admiral Speaks

Yo Bong,

I couldn't agree more with you about the attitudes of Shanghai girls. I never knew a whore with an attitude until I went there; quite ironic. Someone really should hire me to put those girls in their place. Nothing like Khmer trash with an ego and bad taste in clothes!! I could go on for hours about some of those girls.

A typical conversation in Shanghai Bar:

Girl: Hi Handsome Man, you buy me drink, I so thirsty.

Typical Shanghai Customer: Ummm sure, of course I'd love to buy you a drink, you must work so hard.

Girl: You kind man, here my friend, buy her too OK, you so nice and handsome. I love you.

After accepting the her drinks, the original girl leaves and her ugly mooslelike friend stays, leaving the customer bewildered as to how he was so easily scammed into buying two drinks so quickly.

A typical conversation between The Admiral and a girl at Shanghai:

Admiral: Did you miss me you little twat?

Girl: Yes, big big.

Admiral: You must be thirsty for something to drink honey; it's so hot outside and busy tonight.

Girl: Yes, I so thirsty, I want drink whiskey-coke, you buy me, Ok handsome man.

Admiral: Do me a favor, get me a beer and don't expect a tip. And one more thing, I would rather buy a glue sniffer at the riverside some glue than buy you a drink becuase at least she is going to get high, and you just give kickbacks from the drink I bought to your Khmer boyfriend who will take more money from me after he robs me when I'm walking home from Walkabout at 5:00 AM.

So, I guess you know how The Admiral feels about Shanghai girls and why I am not welcome there anymore. It's ok, the girls at Hun Sen Park and Bo-ding still like me.

POSTED BY: THE ADMIRAL
_________________________________
Dig it Admiral. Work with the anger. Let it be your friend.

We rip into Shanghai Bar, but only because it sucks and the girls are bitches. However, an old / new manager is coming on board from next month, so it might get a little better.

The Long Goodbye

For the most part I made good on my pledge to avoid the Water Festival crowds. I remembered why after my 8:40pm walk to/from Lucky Market last night. The street (Sihanouk/63) was one massive gridlocked mess. Wall to wall people, motos, and tuk-tuks. Khmers love it. Why? Anyway, it's over now.

Kicking out the Room mate:
After buying my cell phone back from the pawn shop/fence for the 10th time in 3 months, I decided it was time to say goodbye to SK. I've tried to kick her out myself, but she'd just say NO. If I tried to press it, she'd get psycho-violent. Very bad scenes would follow. I knew what had to be done. Everyone has their own to-do-list. Here are my humble suggestions for those ready to press the button on an eviction/break-up:

1. Get a Khmer to do it. They'll flip out on you hardcore, but if they are talking to another Khmer, somehow they find reason. (Although she flipped out on my landlord, too.*)
2. Do it like a SWAT operation - shock and awe. No warning. Don't give them time to fuck you up - like rob you blind or worse. A chick poisoned me once so she could take care of me, and I wouldn't kick her out. It worked - bought her an extra month.
3. Secure any and all weapons in the apt. Wrestling a kitchen knife away from a crazed chick bent on cutting up you and/or herself is no fun. Really.
   
4. When they threaten to kill you or have you killed, remember: they'll never spend their own money to have it done. Knock on wood. (!!!)
   
5. Buy grenade netting and put lights up outside your place. (Just in case.)
6. If possible, change apartments and your phone number.

.....I miss her already.

(* He's a police colonel and she went ballistic on him. What chance did I have?)

Mondays

Update:
Happy ending...sort of. The DiversUK and OZ made it out of the Naga this morning about an hour after I left. The casino actually called someone to come haul them away. Not sure how much they won or lost, but they are alive to tell us all about the parts they remember...which would be none of it.

• There was some trouble getting out the door. "Security are holding my gear for me...Let me get it back..." No man, they weren't holding it for you. They (the cops) were confiscating it. Cheers to the security at Naga for being pretty cool about it all. They could have turned it into a real problem.
  
• Back at the hotel: Oz walking into the room of a stunned Singaporean couple, seizing their cell phone, and (loudly) accusing them of stealing it from his friend. He blew the hotel and waded into the mass of WaterFest revelers. Hope he's all right.
  

Sharky Bar (11:30pm - 2am):
Met up with builder STV from North England. He's one of those guys that just plain likes it here. He doesn't party with the ladies - he just likes the laid back atmosphere, and the overall scene. He also likes to drink. I blame him for putting me on the road to ruin last night. Thanks man.

• A very special Fuck You to the Italian tourist who refused to pay for his burrito. (It was too spicy for him.) We all get food we don't like, and sometimes we send it back, but we don't eat 3/4 of it and then refuse to pay. Prick.
  
• Thanks to the kind souls who laid some killer on me - just in the nick of time. Good karma for you.
• The California 2 racing boat lost in the 2nd round, but 2 wins are better than none.
  
• Management at Martini's getting complaints from girls about Africans. Word: they are pulling the same shit that made them famous in TH - not paying the girls, girl goes home w/ one guy and suddenly 5 of his friends show up in the room...What to do? What to do?
  

5 drinks on an empty stomach caught up with me, and the women had moved on. Time to bust a move. Got the 411 - Martini's was dead. Oh well,....

Heart of Darkness (2-4am):
The Heart wasn't the zoo I thought it'd be. The dance floor was all Khmer dudes dancing with each other - the fringe of the dance floor was all girls trying to avoid them. A lot of cute women. I was diggin' StripperVN but ended up with an old buddy - she boozes heavy and looks a bit haggard these days but she can work it...Said she's adopted the shaved look. I signed on the dotted line.

Howie's Bar (4am-5am):
Howie was in a good mood, and the bar was pretty full. Mellow. What I learned: Thai-Khmer dudes should avoid playing the, "I'm a THAI-cambodian"- angle when trying to impress the ladies. The girls were not impressed. All he got was an unrelenting stream of abuse from 2 cute and angry patriots at the pool table. All I could hear was a lot of..."Fuck Thailand...Thailand BULSHIT...BullSHIT Thai..FUCK YOU man...." Dark, sexy, and patriotic. Dig that.

After an hour of retching and horrible bed spins, I was able to pass out. Mondays....

This post may have been lame, but this link is pretty cool*:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/body/interactives/senseschallenge/senses.swf?

(*Credit Sharky Mike w/ this one)

Bitch

Today marks the start of the 3-day Water Festival. For 3 days the entire country descends on Phnom Penh for boat races , concerts, boxing matches, and all sorts of carnival style fun. And, of course - all the requisite (and much loved) sex, booze, and gambling. For barangs dumb enough not to go up- country for the weekend, the festival means:

• Streets clogged with groups of wandering villagers gawking at everything - especially foreigners.
• Impossible traffic - whether you are walking or driving. It's wall to wall people. Avoid the riverside; Sihanouk from St. 63 to the river; Sotheros...Fuck it - don't go anywhere until at least 9pm.
• Wild-eyed girls from the provinces and curious garment factory workers in town looking to have some fun and make a buck.

I was feeling dog-tired last night, but I've been fantasizing about the coeds in my classes more frequently than usual. When this happens, it's time to get laid, so DiverTX and I headed to Shark to get things started, and maybe score some fresh village cutie in town for the weekend.

Sharky Bar: (11:??pm-1:30am)
Pretty cleared out by the time we got there and not many women. But Big Chef was out for a party and there was good crowd of locals, so we started boozin' and schmoozin'. The conversation went from: Women Who Drool to Women Who Open Like a Canyon to The Wisdom of Older Viets to The Upcoming Mid-Term Elections to Hurricane Katrina to Dickhead Insurance Companies to Bathtub E* to Donating to Charity, and finally, back to Women Who Drool. I also remember:

• Word on the (alleged) young-loving CA cop who blew his brains out with a jailer's K-54 - it happened just the way the police said it did. He pulled some McGuyver-shit and used a mop handle to get the gun from under a guard's pillow, drag it to his cell, and put a round in his head.
• The American beggar is gone. Someone finally found a way to pack him up and ship him home.

3 drinks and a j, and I was kind of buzzed. If I was to get some, it would have to be soon. DiverTX and I hopped in a tuk-tuk and shot over to The Big M.

Martini's Bar and Disco: (1:30am-3am)
Not the crowd I expected - kind of slow. Hit the disco - semi-packed. Got my first of several vodkas - shout out to Buddy Holly for the drink - and found my quiet corner. Dredge was working a tall dark mama who I thought would be cool until she made a face when I sparked up. Fuck that. Smell of nature's best bother you honey? Go shake it at the FCC. But her friend was cute. I was pretty fucked up - had to make sure she was a she. After stroking her throat in search of an adam's apple...I still couldn't tell. Exasperated, she jammed my hand into her crotch. No cock. Dig it. By this time, her friends were dragging her out the door. Damn. Also:

• 2 drunk cuties working my crotch all night. Many thanks.
• The DJ fucking-up majorly. What prompted him to kill the dance floor with Rod Stewart and that,"Oh Ricky You're so Fine" song??!! It's a good thing foreigners don't carry guns anymore.
• The bar rejecting Little John's $20 bill. That bill was OK - just been through the wash.

I made a date with one of the crotch grabbers and we headed to Howie's.

Howie's Bar:
It was hoppin'. Good energy. AND - it was Howie's birthday. He was celebrating with free drinks til 5am (!!) Nice. Crotch grabber was all over me: wrapping me up and darting her tongue into my mouth, so I couldn't keep up with most of the conversations around me. What I recall:

• Recriminations of a business nature
• Charges of video-taped sex....
• Jagermeister and Black Sabbath
  
• Howie limping along on a bad leg. Another motorbike ride gone bad.

Another night at Howie's. By 5am, I was too drunk to avail myself of any more free alcohol. So we headed over to the Walkabout to pay for some. Stopped on the way at the corner bar across from Shanghai. DiverUK bought me a vodka and we rapped. Can't remember the name of the place. I'm told it's the, Yama-Hound Kiwi Who Thinks he's from South London Bar. Said yama-hound tried to charge me for a phantom drink. It didn't work. For that I say, "FUCK YOU." It may have been an honest mistake but hey - Unless you are a trucker, fisherman, taxi-girl, or biker - Yama and business don't mix.

The rest of the morning was unremarkable. Lost the dark pixie at the Walkabout** and stumbled home. I remember sending a slew of X-rated text messeges to exes and passed out hard. When I woke up around 2:30pm, I found SK had come home, taken my phone, and disappeared. Bitch. A perfect start to the Water Festival.


(*Just Say No)
(**I gave her $5 and told her I'd see her later tonight.)