Java and Jackalopes

California 2 needs to open soon, so people like me who wake up at 4pm on a Sunday have someplace to go for a good, cheap, bottomless cup of coffee. Should have walked over to La Gourmandise Blue behind Lucky Market, but I spaced on the idea.*

Prepped to the gills and hopped on a moto.

Huxley:
Good place. Good coffee. Today - bar full of people I didn't know - listening to music I don't like. Upstairs - full of people I don't know - watching a soccer game. Dang. One and out. ($1.75, I think) Noted: They now have some UK newspapers on the rack for your perusal via that operation that gets the feed by satellite and prints them out.

No idea where to go...

Lone Star:
Say one thing about the place - they have a decent, bottomless cup of coffee on hand for the weary (and the stoned.) They also have an arcade-style golf game near the entrance. Not sure how much a round will run you, but people seemed to be enjoying it. ChiBrick, Walker, and Gregg hanging out, yapping:

• Africans: Is the clothes shop next door a front? Or just some misunderstood small businessmen having a go at the market like the rest of us? The lack of store traffic doesn't seem to bother them much.

• ChiBrick back from Pattaya, the land of the naked dancer who appears from nowhere to write things using a marker wedged inside her for 100 baht, or so. Your name? Your company? Your school? ChiBrick, pretty quick. Asked for,"STAY IN SCHOOL." Nice.
  

Something for the kids.

• Walker at the bar. Tales of wine, women, and warts: Displaying them to an amazed crowd at a friend's wedding...Burning them off with a painful acid solution. (Took them out in a hurry - along with 3 layers of skin.) I gotta hang out with Walker more often. It's always good.
  

• American flag-inspired thong hanging from the antlers of a jackalope mounted above the bar. Good look.
  

KFC:
Compliments to the Colonel. Ordered a 5 pc ($5.50) Asked for all legs if they could swing it. They could, but I'd have to wait 5 or 10 mins. Cool. Out of nowhere, they hit me with a Coke, gratis. Saying, "Sorry for the wait." Nice. Wouldn't get that at Van's or Malis or Metro - but yeah - KFC. Right on, Colonel.

And a disturbing text message from Dregde, tonight: Martini's put red lights in the disco.....Terrible.

It ain't broke. Don't fix it.

*Dude may be running an Al-Queida front, but man - good java and very good baked goods.

Great Northwest

Battambang:
Very chill little city. Wooden-shutters on old French colonial buildings, traditional Khmer houses, Thai-style temples...And they haven't replaced everything with crap plastic and tinfoil-looking facades. Not yet. Yeah, they have billboards and a bit more traffic than I remember but the place still has character.

Let's hope they don't fuck it up.*

Sleepless:
On a recommendation, I checked into the new Seng Hout Hotel. Nice place, nice staff, good location. $15 a night for A/C, cable, fridge, hot water, clean rooms...

But the mattress - hard as a fucking rock. Dead tired when I checked in, hoping to get some sacktime before a meeting. Spent 4 angry hours trying to get comfortable, cursing the asshole that thought these beds were a good idea. Enough. Got up - back hurting, evil mood - and went looking for a new place to stay.

"But sir, this one new. Very good." :
A zombie traipsing through downtown Battambang. Same story everywhere I went. City is full of nice $15 rooms - The Lux, and some others - but they all had the same back-busting mattresses. Must have gotten a deal from the same supplier. May he burn in hell.

Sleep:
Wound up at the Star Hotel near a bus station. $15 and a mattress that let me get some shut eye. The WiFi was slow as shit but the staff was pretty cool. Anyway, if you like a FIRM bed, you are in luck, but if you don't like sleeping on a slab of wood, keep all this in mind.

Enough of My Whining:
Didn't bother hitting the bars in town. I did hop on a moto for nighttime cruises through the ville. A lot of Khmer clubs around. Neon-lit, chicks out front. Some action out behind the Teo Hotel. If you know where you are going , you can have a good time up there.

Etc..:
The BBQ chicken at the market didn't make me sick and the White Rose Restaurant - still a win. Didn't see anything north of $2.50 on the menu, and they stay open til 10. (And they have diet coke - 3000r.) While I was there, the town was gearing up for some pre-Water Festival boat racing. Festive happenings along the river. Kids rides, music, and carnival games. Rows of fat balloons - 1000r a dart. All you had to do was hit one and pop it.

Best carny game ever. I came away with all sorts of shit. Photo frames, a plastic bow-arrow set, a coffee mug... Housekeeper at my hotel scored some of the loot. I laid the stuffed rabbit on a glue-sniffing kid. Made his day. The act of kindness left him speechless. Or maybe his brain is gone. Whatever. It was a good night. I like Battambang.

More info you didn't ask for:
Taxi (the whole car) PNH-BTTMBG cost me $35 / The guy on the return trip wanted $40 (We made stops in Pursat and Kampong Channang.)

Noted on Highway 5:

• 1 crane sitting halfway through the newly constructed wall it had just smashed.
• 1 dead-looking dude sprawled face-down on the pavement; a worried old woman hovering over him.
  
• 1 completely overturned pickup loaded with logs and a dinged-up mini-bus. Gawkers delight.
• 1 vivid set of skid marks leading straight into a ditch.
  

*And a hearty FUCK YOU to Attwood Group for that ugly space station inspired building they put up. Soulless pricks.

Recession-Proof Industry?

Pchm Ben money on-tap. Recession beaters in Kampong Cham. Dudes decide to rob a gold vendor with grenades. They got $250 and whatever gold not scattered in the explosion.

Started with a bang but by Sunday the Pchm Ben wind-down in effect. Bars, shops, stores re-opening. City slowly coming back to life. Thankfully, most of the traffic is still away. Not only locals who headed out of town. Ubercon and his SpanishFly took new found love east to the Land of the...whatever, Vietnam. Others headed for BKK or the Philippines. A healthy balance of poverty and sloth ensures I never go anywhere.

But the new Cali2 not open for another few weeks, at least. What to do?

Lucky Market:
I Spend too much money here. 290 pts on my Lucky Market Customer Card. Not sure what I get for that? Depressed, mainly. But knowing KH promos - it's probably something like 2000r off my next purchase over $50. But Lucky can be a good place to people watch...

• Like the Chinese dude trying to work up courage to buy Okomoto's in the midst of a Lucky rush hour. Myriad of colors, textures, flavors, promised sensations ...not helping him . His lingering not helping either. Staff hawking him. Thinking he was going to pocket a box. Khmers not helping either. Gawking. Grinning. Good fun. Dude. It's not Singapore. You want rubbers. Be a man. Grab a box and take it to the register. Because - He who hesitates, gets clowned. But really, what's a $3 box of Okamoto's got on a .30 pack of OKs (with lube)?
  
• Khmer lady going down a line of spaghetti sauces - screwing open jars, sniffing, wincing, putting them back on the shelf. Smiling stockboy looking on.
  
• People from the hinterlands making slow rounds. Checking out the barang food. Picking up cans and bottles and boxes of shit, passing it around, putting it back. And buying a pack of the same dried squid they can get at their local place for .10 cheaper...But hey, no judgments. I did the same thing at Asian markets when I was back home.
  
• Douchebag Indian dude laying-into a hapless checkout girl about the injustice of the Lucky Card. It's a scam. A rip-off. The Fucker kept at it, "Absolutely, a waste of time and..." And....SHUT THE FUCK UP, MAN! She doesn't care. She isn't listening. There are people in line behind you.....Dick.
  

Anise:
WifiLeeching NGO chick staked an outside table, plugged in her Dell and ordered a $1 pot of tea. Settled in for a 4 hr surf. She'd been warned. BrklynJerry on the scene. Large and in - charge. Not giving up an outside table that seats 4 DINERS. Asks her to move inside. She says, "No." And back and forth it went til she gave it up. Staff helped her move her rig inside. 15 mns later she's back at the outside table. More debate. " I volunteer for an NGO. !* Do you know who I AM!! I'm not a White Male sex tourist! I am ENTITLED!!"

No sale. Bounced her entitled ass out the door with prejudice and told her not to come back. Had to put RESERVED signs on the outside deck tables to avoid a repeat. So if you go, sit outside and bring the Dell. But order something. Anise - great restaurant, bar, and hotel...But it's not a NetCafe. So Dig it. (And if it's on the menu, get the Amok Ravioli - I'm no gourmand but it's damn good.)

More Soon....



*For a $2000 monthly stipend.

Priceless?

Gas for the bike: 4900R/liter

Asahi/Anchor: $15-$16/case

Rice: $40/50kg (up from $25 last month)

Cooking gas: $27-$35/15kg (up from $18 last month)

Living in Cambodia: PRICEY!!!

For everything else, there's:

What the hell is going on?!?!

Sure, property prices are way up but the local rice farmer is not buying property.

A local restaurateur says that the beer distributors have not increased their prices but try getting an $11 case of Anchor in Phnom Penh – they still were available in Sihanoukville as of a couple of weeks ago.

Today’s Daily, said that “gas importers…expressed surprise that retail prices had reached such heights given the prices they were charging distributors.”

By the way, in the same article a spokesman for Total said that they just recently raised their price from $18 to $21. So if you need cooking gas, it appears that Total is the place to go (or at least it was before the article was published).

Also in today’s Daily, HS claimed that Cambodia has a rice surplus and blamed anti-government elements for economic sabotage (not blaming the barang this time?). He also denied that he was planning to set rice prices at 5000R/kg (I had previously heard 4000R and that he was aiming for $2 a liter gas).

So who’s making all of the money here? And how the hell is Joe Khmer going to survive? Oh yeah, simply steal a few more motorbikes (Did you see last week that Infinity Insurance had to issue a public apology for running an advert saying that 40 bikes are stolen each day in PP? The PP Police Chief came out and said that only 3 motos were stolen in February, and that’s down from the 10 stolen in January! Amazing what comes out of the mouths of babes!).

Soon enough I might have to shut my piehole to those of you that I have been accusing of paying too much for your furpie…yesterday’s price might be tomorrow's bargain!

Just More Rambling

GOING, GOING…

Soon to be gone!

Been to Sihanoukville lately? If you liked it as it was, you’d better get down there quickly!
Sokha beach was privatized years ago, and part of Victory beach was taken away not too long ago. And Hawaii beach was also slotted for development long ago and that is now proceeding.


Now Independence beach is completely fenced off ala the riverfront in Phnom Penh, and so is the end of Ochheuteal beach where the fishing village used to be. That was bulldozed a couple of weeks ago by a Cambodian-American lawyer who is also an assistant to a Senate and local political party President. According to the Daily, the lawyer said, “’Municipal governor of Sihanoukville Say Hak said I had no permission, it’s true,’” and he went on to explain that “he needed to bulldoze the houses first so as to know the size of ‘the exact area before obtaining permission’” to bulldoze!

Ahhh, perfect logic in this country!

And the shop owners on Otres got a reprieve after being given a week to vacate their premises. The initial eviction order was overturned after a protest in Phnom Penh, but they are to be “inspected” again in April. Any bets as to pass/fail on this one?

So that leaves part of Ochheuteal – the old golf course is now taken over by Sokha where they

plan to put up another resort with private beach – and Serendipity. How long do you think these will last as they are? In August of 2007, the PP Post reported the following:

Cambodia’s most popular seaside area with foreign and domestic tourists, Ochheuteal Beach, will be completely overhauled and redesigned beginning in 2008, top municipal and tourism officials said on August 3.

Judging by renderings obtained by the Post, the new Ochheuteal area is one of sidewalks, car parks and concrete palm-lined promenades – a far cry from the laid-back, populist playground that exists today.

And finally, the airport expansion and upgrade has been given the go-ahead and it is slated to be the largest airport in Cambodia. And all along, we were worried about the Pattaya Trash!

GONE

You PPTV subscribers no longer need be so jealous of us CCTV subscribers. Sometime over the last couple of days we lost our HBO and Cinemax, which have replaced with the Hallmark Channel and TrueSport 3. Just what we needed - another 24-hour soccer channel.

FALSE ALARM. Our beloved "premium" channels have reappeared and we are no longer subjected to Hallmark and TS3. What was that all about?



STACKED

Pronunciation: \stakt\
Function: adjective
of a woman : having large breasts

Sorry kids…not referring to THAT definition. Let’s try again:

Function: verb
transitive verb
1 b: to pile in or on

Now that we know what it means, let’s see what it looks like:




We’ll at least according to Flavour’s in Phnom Penh. A couple of torn up slices of ham with one on the top does not quite “stack” up to Khmerican’s definition of stacked, but for $4.25, what does one expect? (A hell of a lot more!!!).


WHO’S AFRAID OF THE EXPAT?

Seems that your average stiu no longer is.

Been a tough couple of weeks for some of Cambodia’s expat population.

Two weeks ago, at about midnight on a Tuesday night, the PG PowerRanger was heading along Monivong from the big M to WA, with his little tart in tow. He heard a distinct smack from the back of the bike and turned to see several motos with two-astride Khmer boys there. It seems that they had swatted his girl’s arse. When he looked forward, there were another couple of bikes along side of him forcing him off of the road. Afetr a bit of a chase, he finally make his way to the front of WA and the pricks pull right up with him. One yama-head goes off insisting that the PGPR had hit his bike, although there was no sign of any damage. He makes a couple of weak attempts at getting violent, even after the PGPR is joined by a few of PP’s bigger expats. After a lot of lifting of phones to the ear with the “I’m going to call my guy” threat, the expats walk inside and the stius take off. But a little concerned that these pricks would be so brazen.

Then a few nights later, the PG Gynecologist had his locked 250cc, which was parked directly in front of his humble abode door, stolen from behind a locked gate. Granted there was a small walk-though portion of the gate that was not locked – but was very difficult to fit this size of a bike through – and it was between midnight and 2:00a.m. on a Friday night, but it still happened in a usually secure area with a bike that is almost never parked outside.

Straps were tied through the padlock holes of his door and the neighbor’s door in case they were awakened and attempted to get out and apprehend the f@ckers.

Inquiries to the dozen+ moto-dops parked outside got no responses, even with a $150 payout to anyone who could tell of the whereabouts of the bike. And a trip to the police station around the corner got one copper up, but the other said to come back the next day. Thanks guys.

By the way, Khmers have said that the way to deal with a situation like this in the future is to go to the local police and tell them that you will pay half of the bike’s value for its return…but this must be done soon after the loss as the bike is shipped out of town shortly after the theft.

Last week saw two other barangs roughed up in attempts to steal their rented motos in Snookey. Neither targets are small men, but CD is actually a large individual that you might think local punks would avoid. Apparently they were armed with sticks and other weapons and got a few licks in before getting away with the moto.

The other brave new target was able to fend off his attackers, and it is said that the police had to get him off of one of the guys that he was beating on. No bike loss for this chap.

Finally, not Khmer related, our own local Dick Weber responded to a knock on his door on Thursday night by receiving a knock on his noggin. Seems another expat was looking for someone else and head-butted then attacked Weber. Word is that the attacker was packing a couple of blades, although they were never used. Police eventually showed up and perp was hauled off to the Monkey House, were he is rumored to remain at this time. Further rumor says that perp and victim were later locked in a room together – you know, let’s just see what happens if – and perp profusely apologized to Weber. Last rumor is the perp was well perked up on something.

The more things change in Cambodia, the more they remain the same.

Oh shit, almost forgot the best of the rest. Don’t recall which day it was but the Fat Cat got himself 86-d and banned from Walkabout. Not an easy task, but he was up to it. Apparently thrown out a few times, he still wanted to have a go of it with the security guard before Drama Queen stepped in and saved his hide. (Why didn’t you leave him alone boy?)

The Connoisseur then proceeded to drive down to CA2 where, after weebling and wobbling and moaning and groaning for a bit, he sat down and polished off a “mates” curry. Then spent the next few moments spitting part of it back up before sprawling himself out across the sofa. CA2J had to come out and nearly dump him on to the ground before he perched himself upright again. By this time, a tough-gutted Aussie and Brit had already departed due to this nasty sight, and oddly enough the Drunken Mechanic and the Finnish Frankenstein became the voices of reason in trying to get the bloke to shape up. Eventually, he was enough to even run them off.

Word was he later made his way to a brave new world…wonder how he’d like it if aome of us Barged in on his place with this kind of f%cked up attitude.

Rumor also is that he got a brave new ass kicking a few weeks before for similar actions.

And I thought his problem was with all us Yanks and us just not understanding the British sense of humor.


DA BEACH


Did just get back from another nice holiday in Sihanoukville. As I have said, things are a changing down there.

Construction is going on at the burned down market and most vendors appear to have moved to the newer market behind there.

The guy next to me on the beach claimed to have had his camera stolen on Sunday so nice to know that the jows are still hard at work there.

Snake Pit had one hot dancer and several could-not-be-bothered-to-do-anthing-other-than-get-you-your-drink girls hanging out. The beer bar complex sure looks nice but not too much going on there. Pacino’s, back in the back does have 6 or 7 chickies in there, and even a couple that the Khmerican would not have minded having a little roll with, if it weren’t for the V-girl by my side and the $10 bar fine.

Freedom still has it’s assortment of girls, some looking rather haggard, but again, a couple that this boy wouldn’t have kicked out too quickly.

Reports are of not much quality at Outback, but steady and reliable service up on the mountain.

A ride by the Frog bars on the Hill seemed a bit busy, but I have never cared much for the scene there.

Finally, biggest disappointment of the trip was the much-anticipated, always-loved, Corner Bar pizza. Price was up a bit – no problem as it’s always been a bargain – but the quality of the one pizza that I had had gone way down. I used to love the pizza for the loads of cheese that was on it, but this time it was no different from any unhappy pizza from any of the happy pizza – short on the cheese and a thin and crisp crust. Bad enough that I did not return for another go, as I usually do, so maybe it was a one-off.

But I DID have a delicious Pizza Company pizza last night. I know, I know…but I did not order it. V-girl wanted it and I made her do the calling. But damn it was good!

ONE OF THE BEST

You've seen them. The f*cked up instructions on various items written by Asians that just don't make any sense.

We'll, I think that I have found my favorite. I was sitting down enjoying my dinner the other day when I happened to take notice of a hot water heater that we have had for about a year.

Not sure why it didn't catch my eye before, but it does at just about every meal now.

Have a better one?

Not Really Worth The Wait

KRUSTY THE CLOWN

Know him? Well, the Khmer version seems to be an organization, not a person.

What’s up with The Pizza Company???

The last several times that I have ordered from them, I have been informed that the Pan crust is not available – only the Crisp crust. OK on occasion, but part of the reason that I have considered this the best pizza in Cambodia is the crust.

A couple of weeks ago, the whole crust crap came to a head. My menu shows two types of crusts – Pan and Crisp. So when I placed the order for my pizza and the monkey asks what type of crust would like, I am excited! They must have Pan crust! I then tell him Pan crust and he tells me, “Sorry sir, Pan crust finished".

I want to get a bit of pleasure out of this whole thing and I ask him what kind of crust I can have. “Crisp crust OK Sir?” I ask him what my options are and he does not understand. I tell him that if there is no Pan crust then I can only have Crisp crust. “Sorry sir, no have Pan crust,” and it all begins over again (guess he wanted to have some fun as well).

Finally I tell him that I’ll take the Crisp crust. Long pause and, “Sorry sir, no have Crisp crust.” WTF??? So I ask him if what I am hearing is that I can order a pizza as long as I do not want the crust. No answer – he does not understand. I try to tell him that since they have no Pan crust and no Crisp crust, I can only have pizza without crust. He then starts the whole thing over again explaining to me that they no have Pan or Crisp crust.

Stop it already!!!!

I will NEVER order pizza from The Pizza Company again! Only Pizza World and Chez Dim - if you have not already, give them a shot.

On the subject of great pizzas, I certainly hope that nothing changes if and when CornerBar Mark unloads the Corner Bar and his pies. Always makes that ride down that much better knowing that you'll be treated to one of those delights.

IT'S ALL ABOUT MAKING FRIENDS

If you’re a nappy-headed, pony-tailed, dick-smokin, wirey Brit with something up your ass, don’t start bitchin to the Khmerican and PNik (also a Brit) at the BigM about your American boss, who happens to be a friend of the two, then insist that PNik is Broken Dave (the only similarity there is that they are both rather vertically challenged), then wander off to YourLien where PNik is enjoying the rest of the evening with SAndy and DonBong, and start spouting off about what shite Yanks are and just as much so, the Brits that hang with them, because you’re gonna get your ass kicked…BY THE BRIT…TWICE!!!

You twat!

All that’s left for us to do is relay your remarks to your always-too-happy-to-kick-some-ass, oversized boss and you’ll be out of a job and the rest of your hair and teeth.

HOLIDAY REVISITED

(Twenty-five official holidays this year in Cambodia, so those of you that get paid for them - enjoy!)

Yeah, we're long beyond them but some kudos need to go out.

Anyway, Fat Boy and Taco were quite busy. Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas boat cruise dinner, and Christmas eve dinner. Just how many Turkeys this country handle?

Well, an excellent job done each time and an extra credit goes to Taco for ensuring that the boys working at CA2 didn’t miss out.

The Christmas boat cruise was a great time – thank you Adam and other sponsors – with several revelers not ready to get off of the boat after a 5+ hour tour. Usually 3 hours is more than enough. Khmerican rarely partakes of the herb, but he chose to this time. He knew it had done its job when he was looking at the local families fishing from their boats/huts on the river and thought that really is the way that life was supposed to be lived – maybe that’s the real reason that he is in Cambodia. Of course, a clearer(or not) mind prevailed the next day and I am still in the relative luxury of my secure flat.

Speaking of the fishing boats, I must say that I am quite disappointed in the arm of the KCKid as I believe that my Grandmother, who died at the age of 94 more than 7 years ago, has a better arm than he does. You really should be ashamed of yourself!

Not to say that big man AAAC’s arm was any better. For that big of a boy, I certainly hope he makes up for it elsewhere!

Still on the holidays, I did make it down to the coast for the new year. As usual, was not ready to return to PP, but just had to. It was a blast and makes me wonder why I ever bothered with Bokor when that was going off.

An absolute barrage of fireworks on Ocheteul from at least 9:30 on.

And speaking again of the beach, is it just horny old me or are the girls at the beach looking better? Upon first visit in 2000, EVERY chickie wore full gear into the water – jeans, shirt, iron-clad bra, etc. Now, there’s so many more shorts cruising around, not to mention the bathing suits.

Having a bite before heading back to PP, Khmerican was drooling over all of the little brown-eyed girls wandering around in their sexy attire. No mistaking the place for the Big P across the border, but I like the way things are going.

And Rosie is back after an almost fatal accident last year. She's no longer on the hill but is now in the Christmas Bungalows just down from Golden Lions circle towards the Golden Sands Hotel, I believe it is called.

If you haven't been there before, you'll get great portions of tasty food for a very nice price. And if you've got a V in tow with you, even better as she'll fix up some nice Viet food for her.

Welcome back Rosie!

Last thing about the holidays - Khmerican was thinking that he was a bit lucky this year as V-girl did not return to the Delta for Tet. Lucky because it saved him some money. But then again, it's usually the one time a year that the Khmerican can enjoy some freedom. So how lucky was I. What would you be willing to pay for a week of F-R-E-E-D-O-M???

unLUCKY

About a week ago I rolled by Lucky Market on Sihanouk to pay a special visit to the little Blue Spot. When I came down, the place was relatively empty (it WAS 7:30 a.m.) so I decided that now was a good time to sign up for the unLucky Membership Reward card. You see, although I despise these things, the little Viet that lives with me keeps telling me about all of the great things that we are missing out on. Spend $20 and you get something like a $2 voucher for Lucky Burger – wooh-hoo!

So I go to the counter and announce that I would like to sign up for a card.

“You have receipt, sir?”

“No, no have receipt.”

“Oooo, I’m sorry sir.”

“Do I need receipt?”

“Yes sir. I’m sorry sir.”

“But I just want to sign up for a card…fill out application.”

“Oooo, sorry sir. You need receipt”

“So there’s no way for me to sign up for a card without a receipt?”

Pause…"Sorry sir. Cannot.”

The Viet wants the card, she can go get it herself.

Back in the Garden

Yesterday I sprained my ankle; it's swollen to the size of a grapefruit. I'd like to say I did it doing something heroic like racing at the motocross track or battling angry water buffaloes at a wedding, but no...I twisted it on some uneven sidewalk. A walking accident. Smooth. At least i had an audience of motodops and coconut ladies to see it happen.

SK must have burned a ton or incense at the Wat. The day she loses her free room & board at jBat's (he's headed back to DC for some R&R) life presents her with a bed-ridden Bong. She gets to showcase her domestic skills and a place to crash. Back in the garden...for now. Oh well, my ankle is fucked, getting to the bathroom is a hassle, and I was out of diet coke and toilet paper.

Shit happens. I'm not going to whine about it (too much) because worse things happen to better people:

Some major shit:
A few days ago I wrote about Ken the barang manager at Walkabout. (I've been calling him Kevin all this time...he never said anything...) It wasn't a moto accident that laid him out - it was worse. The kind of thing that happens everyday.

He got a minor scratch on a rusty stairwell. He noticed the cut, went on anti-bios, and while the infection seemed ok, the cut wouldn't heal - even after 4 months. He went to an MD to get it checked and got the bad news. Gangrene. The leg needs to be taken off - above the knee.

Health:
The whole episode's got me more conscious of health matters. After I heard, I spent some time checking myself for cuts, scratches, and bites. Then went over to Martini and got someone to check me out - just to make sure I didn't miss anything. To err on the side of caution, I went for a second opinion. So far, so good....but you can't be lax on shit like this. I'll do some more checking-up this weekend.

Holiday Week:
I had a 10 day break so the holidays are a bit of a blur. California 2 patrons were treated to a time honored holiday treat - a riverfront taxigirl brawl complete with fists, nails, hair pulling, belt lashings, and a crowd of Khmers to watch, hoot and holler. YEEE-HAW mother fucker.

It came to end when a gun-toting pimp arrived on the scene (a bit late) to keep his girl from getting a more serious ass-kicking.

Noted: It took a gun-wielding pimp to bring this ugly affair to an end. I guess if you can't get a cop....

Sharky Bar:
Everyone seemed to be in the right mood for New Year's Eve at Sharky Bar. A blast. Despite some questionable DJ-ing, the party kicked. Hats, horns, spray foam, tubes that spewed colored tissue paper. The new year hit and the bar erupted. They broke out mucho bottles of champale and we started slamming it. Many thanks to the crew behind the bar for the champale bath (fuckers...) The idea of a human shield is....you don't hit the shield.

Whatever,... it's not a party if you don't walk out covered in spray foam and stale champale. Not as crowded as last year, but that's a good thing. Besides, plenty of women and I dig free booze - even if it's not vodka. Also on the scene:

• Wasted Kazakhs vs. wasted Australians. I think it started over a pool game. Pool is a menace. Burn the tables.
• Plunger commandeering the wireless mic. Giving a drunk and angry commentary LIVE from different parts of the bar. No one seemed to mind. That's why I like the place.
• BigChef's pizza dough garlic bread ($3)
  

It was closing in on 2, and I was thinking company.

Martini Bar and Disco:
Pretty hopping. Great vibe. Where were the Africans? I felt obligated to kick the new year off with a partner. Too many choices. Too bombed to make one. The champale/vodka/ect....had me in a fog not even kamagra could fix, so....

Howie's Bar:
Full house. Everyone pie-eyed and stumbling. EMTed, Plunger, tattooMark, BongRob, and even the guys from Martini came by...some tourists from France. Everyone getting down til past 5. WIandy set up a round of flaming sambuca shots and no one was badly injured. Plunger broke out the casket-shaped flask of Wild Turkey / sherry and I was....10 sheets to the wind. Lights came on and....

Walkabout:
A tattooed bowling ball was at the bar freaking out some Ind0-Arab-Euro looking dudes. I watched Plunger and his ex re-kindle their relationship ..in front of her date for the night. Oh well,....we were at the Walkabout and he didn't seem to mind. Cool dude. We talked food. I was thinking splurge - breakfast buffet at the Cambodiana Hotel ($13.20) I ended up with some nuggets ($3) a small order of fries ($1.50) and started eyeing the tattooed pierced dark chick I've been wanting to chill with for a while.

"To do ($20) or not to do (save$20)...." That was the question.

Did the right thing. Went home. Inhaled the food and slept til 8pm.

Dig New Year.

Score

I decided not to give in to the gut ailment that had me throwing up all last night. Didn't eat all day, and for some reason couldn't get pizza off my mind. Need something with a thick crust. Not too many choices in town. I called a newer one:

Pizza World (Free delivery for orders over $5):

• Medium Chicken Supreme ($4.50) "Pan crust"
• Garlic Bread w Cheese ($1) - Suprisingly close to what you get back home. They don't skimp on the garlic butter or cheese. Dig the price.

Verdict: Pretty damn good for $5.50 (+tip for driver)

I'm already feeling queasy, but it was worth it. Scored a new pizza delivery place.

Stupidity in the Air

Crocodile JunKee:
Everyone's favorite (White) beggar scored a free meal the other day from a riverside restaurant. How he got served, I'll never know. Nor will I know why the staff believed him when he said he'd be,"..back in 5 minutes..." Score. Ah well, if he's busy scamming free meals then he's not busy burning down houses (4, so far, because the walls told him to.)


Paragon Cambodia:
The Paragon is over on Street 214 behind the Royal Palace - something you wouldn't know if you'd read the ad announcing the grand opening. Anyway, my bro and I toked up and headed over to PNH's newest upscale shopping destination - they have escalators - to see what the big deal was. What I remember:

• Back Canyon Coffee: Menu looked good ($2-$3 for most dishes) Basic cup of coffee was $1.50 per cup. Fuck that.
• Dragon Suki: A make your own soup place - like M&K in Thailand; decent selection of Thai and Chinese dishes ($2-$3); good dim sum (.75-.95) Free iced tea. A win.
• Aika (?) Japanese Restaurant: Special shout out to this place: Tasted like ass. And not good ass. Maybe the worst Japanese food in the history of Japanese food. But at least the booming Khmer and Chinese pop music sucked.
  
• Paragon Super Market: Prices and selection similar to Lucky. Diet Pepsi but no diet coke..bizarre.
  

Bong is a Lazy M#$ther F*cker

Ok - I've been AWOL for a variety of reasons - sloth is only one of them, but hey - I'm here now and I got some shit to tell:

Howies Bar:

Some things should be constant. The sun rises in the morning, and patrons at Howies Bar who are too wasted to roll their own j's can get a chick to do it in return for a lady drink ($3). But hey, suddenly they have some free-spending tourist telling them he's going to marry them and get them EU Passports - and they tell me they are too busy?? FUCK THAT! That dude'll be nailing some skank in Pattaya tomorrow night, and we'll still be here NOT buying you a drink. End of angry rant. Also at Howies:

The German factory owner - a regular visitor to the Land of Phony Smiles - had a plan we can all dig. Ply your girl with a gallon of booze and see just how dirty she can get. She got dirty all right - after about 10 B52 shots and a couple bottles of wine, he went to play pool and she promptly started buying B52s for the bar - on his tab. Later, I saw her leaving Walkabout with an American dude. Karma?

How do you solve feuding between waitresses? Send 1/2 of them on a week of unpaid vacation. Seems to have worked. Dara got canned again. This would be the 4th time in recent memory, but he works a mean grill so my guess is he'll be back soon. Other news:

• $1 fries added to the menu. Good move Howie - They kick-ass.
• He actually stayed open til 6am the other day.
• The best (and only) place to watch American football in town. Want to watch a game live with people who give a fuck - Howies is the place.
  

Mini-Mart Mania

U-Mart:
A new mini-mart is open for business. You'll find it in that brothel/game center section on 63 Street near Sihanouk Blvd (Psar Thmei side of the blvd.) A welcome addition to the BBQ pork stands, video slot centers, brothels, and the all night phone shop. Now you can lose a few bucks gambling, score some durian flavored "Love Rubbers", get laid, eat, and sell that phone you just lifted off the drunk tourist at the Heart - all at 2am. WIN!

All I wanted was a diet coke. Bastards didn't have it. But they did have (as I recall):

• Schwepps Ginger Ale: .58
• Reg. Sodas: .28
• Large Bottle of Johnny Walker Red: $13.5?
• Small bottle Johnny Walker Red: $5.5?
  
• Large Bottle of Wrestler Wine (red): .65
• Condoms: .70
• Instant noodles: .14
• Most candy: .54
• No rolling papers.

Now you know.

Weekend Report

California 2:
It was Soul Night. Curtis Mayfield and Parliment grooves. I had visions of strutting in to the sounds of Superfly. I think it was actually Chaka-Khan, but whatever.... Coffee is now $1; still, it's all you can drink. A steal. Hey - who was that guy with a samurai sword outside the hotel the other night? An asshole thief, of course. He grabbed a chick's cell phone and made off with nothing to fear. Normally, someone would call a cop, but normal doesn't live here, and cops don't really work after 9pm (thankfully, I suppose.) The best we can hope for is the next time he pulls this shit, a crowd beats him to death. I have my fingers crossed.

Sharky:
Off to Sharky. Still packed at 11. A lot of people going back to the States for a while, so this was a "blow-out" weekend. Beer, vodka, wine, oK (locally made)...party aids galore. A good time was had by all. By 2am, the drugs were all competing with each other, and it was time to make a move.

Howies:
Back to Howies for more of the same. A local magazine publisher was celebrating his birthday, so more drinks, more oK (a special local brew), and more incoherent babble. By now I was staggered and had to keep myself upright and my bro from falling off a bar stool. I finally got him up and he pinballed around the bar, out the door to a waiting car. Kudos to crazy deaf girl for her Tasmanian devil / drunken seal impression - complete with tears and pounding on the bar. It seemed to start over a game of Connect-4, but I think it really began when she was born - craaazy.

Walkabout:
Staggered, I made my way down the street vowing to get some food and go home. I ordered some chicken nuggets ($2), and walked straight into a battle between 2 large, angry barang women and a confused guy. They were yelling at him; he seemed confused as to why. If I had to guess, it was because he was enjoying himself and ...barang chicks hate that. Later a group of Khmer dudes from a popular local bar came by and we started buying rounds. Cool dudes. It was fun although one of them started alternately biting my friend's nipple and grabbing my ass. All this ass grabbing and nipple biting got me thinking. I grabbed my nuggets, made a date with a dark-sexy mama, and off we went into the rising sun. Chlamydia be damned! Someone should write a song about it.

Friday (delayed)

My Lien:
$1 vodkas got the night started. My cell rang. A 001 call. The US. Young woman on the line: "Do I want to open an online FOREX trading account?" No. I want to get back to staring at the waitress's ass. Nice girl. Red thong today. Dig. My bro's telling me about a steady of his. She's back in town after a whirlwind tour of SE Asia with a lesbian sugar mamma. Says she's leaving the woman: she's bored, wants to be back in KH, she, "no like fuck lady", etc, ect.....Her story may be bullshit, but I want to know more. Maybe an interview is in order:

"Tell me about Shaving Night....Did she punish you when you were bad...?" Tell lies that excite me.

My Lien was uneventful until the French woman - large, drunk, and babbling - started making conversation in French and English. It looked like she was going to get grabby, and since she wasn't passing her joint, we decided to move on.*

Sharky:
Lots of people out Friday night. We split a bottle of vodka ($20) and settled in. My bro found a busty woman with a cute face and a warm heart. Wholesome country girl. She was busty because she was pregnant. (He got his milk on and his $500 camera stolen. We'll go hunting for it Sunday.) We yapped until the lights came on. I remember nothing.

Martini:
It was almost 2 by the time I got to the Big M. The disco was dead but the outdoor area was still happening. I ran into an old friend, "Golden Shower girl."We headed to the Heart.

Heart of Darkness:
Got there about 3 and it was still kind of packed. I remember a sea of White dudes dancing with each other. Not the gay kind; more like the NGO-I don't do taxi girls- kind. Ok, 6 of one - 1/2 dozen of the other you might say, but,... I prefer it to a house full of drunk and unpredictable Khmers. I rarely go to the Heart these days, but if the crowd is safe, it's air-con, dark, and open, and the djs are pretty good. Didn't even get the usual gaggle of ladyboy spectators when I went to piss. (FYI: Vodka: $1.50, Bud: $2.50)

Howies:
Full house at 4am. Rapped with the other vampires, blazed a j, drank some more, and finally had one of his sausages. I remember getting bit twice, slapped once, and burned with a ciggarette. I love Howies. I love Phnom Penh.


(*Note: My Lien is not really smoke-friendly)

Bong's Bag Missing! Hacienda Abuzz with Suspicion!

The Crime of the century? Not really, but it does suck...Now I have to struggle through Star World programming stone sober. Oprah won't be the same.

I confronted the sisters; it got messy, but their stories check out. (I did get my phone back, though.) I'm left with one Chief Suspect. It was my "free" date from Sunday (until Tuesday.). I know. I know. There's never anything free about a No pay, no problem-encounter. But then again, (to paraphrase Seinfeld) who can resist the siren-song of free love? I assure you all that it won't happen again...Until the next time.

(PS: In order to recoup my losses, I'm selling the underwear she left behind on a Japanese auction site.)

Now, to redeem this post with something educational:

Tomorrow the Chinese Moon Festival kicks off. All over town Chinese-Cambodians are loading up on party decorations and Moon Cakes. I've never had a moon cake, but they go for about $3-$5 a piece. Probably worth it. I figured there was more to this holiday than moon cakes, so I went to About.com.

"Just like Christmas and Thanksgiving in the West, ...one of the most important traditional events for the Chinese. The Moon Festival is also...romantic... Lovers spend a romantic night together tasting delicious moon cakes with some wine while watching the full moon."

Right on. I know what I'm doing tomorrow night.

Bitch wants her chicken NOW

Drama at the Chicken stand
An American from LA - all he wanted was a BBQ chicken. A Cambodian housewife- maybe she forgot her meds. The BBQ Chicken girl- waiting for a face-full of acid. How do you piss off a Cambodian woman? Serve the barang first at the chicken stand. Just ask the poor girl working there. She got a loud, angry earful from a fierce KH matron after she served the barang first. The wait cost Angry Matron 10 seconds of her life, and she spent 15 minutes letting everyone know. Witnesses weren't sure who actually ordered first, but they all agreed: Dat Bitch be CRAZY. The American probably had no idea what she was yelling about.

Woman! Take your pills!

In order to give this story some redeeming quality:

• Where: In front of Lucky Market (Shnk/Mnvng)
• How much: $2.50, you get a whole BBQ chicken served with greens and cucumbers.
• My take: Tasty but kind of small. You can eat better for $2.50

Saturday Night News

CA 2 Re-Opening Party: (Sat. 7pm - can't remember)
Take a 100+ people, give them free booze, and put them in a small space. Rainy season or not, folks'll be sweating their balls off in no time. Not at the re-designed California 2. High ceilings and well placed ceiling fans helped the mainly expat crowd get bombed in cool comfort. Great time and hey, plying those Malaysian girls with free tequila and t-shirts went a long way towards getting them to go down on me in the bathroom.* Thanks man. (PS: Next time you take a piss, dig the photo above the toilet. Great choice.)

The only problem now will be closing by 10pm. I think Jim may have inadvertently created a happening late night bar. A black light, 75 cent Beer Laos, and all that riverfront action - Forget about it... Good luck getting people out by midnight man.

Things I recall:

• Drink and room prices won't be rising.
• Tiger and Heineken are going on the menu.

Talkin' to a Stranger: (? - ?am)
I never go here but it's a nice place. The owners have an art gallery and the crowd reflects that scene. Anyway, a band called Betty Ford was playing and a lot of people wanted to check it out. I went too. The band was long gone by the time I got there, but by all accounts they were pretty good. I'm told they fuck up less than most Cambodian bands. We shot the shit for a couple hours and then it was off to Howies.

Things I recall:

• Vodka - $2.50
• 3 drunken white men trying to nail down a buck-toothed Scottish girl. I think the Brit computer guy scored. Well done.
  

Howie's Bar: (?am-5:30am)
Howie's was packed all the way to closing. Had a couple drinks, smoked a j, and shot the shit.

Things I recall:

• Paul tells me that the Curtis King Band will be back at Sharky's on Tuesday to do an acoustic show. Should be good.
• Howies sausages were selling well and they look damn good. Definitely worth 2 bucks. Will Raz be lowering the price of his hot dogs to compete? Time will tell.
• The girls will roll a professional j if you buy them a drink.

Walkabout (5:30am - 6:something)
The Walkabout. The place we love to hate. You can get drunk, fed, and laid 24 hours a day. Watched Robbie fuck with a yama'd up French dude, told a girl I saw her naked on the Internet, and hooked up with a regular who said I didn't have to pay her. (Read: she's on the rag, can't work, and needs a place to crash.)



(*this never actually happened)

Friday

Braved the rain last night and did a California 2, Sharky, Howie, Walkabout circuit. Here's what I remember:

California 2 Guesthouse: (Open Sunday.)
Swung by California 2 last night because I thought he was open for business. He isn't, but the place looks GREAT. It was a lot of work but the staff pitched in. Fucking great, man. New, higher ceiling, new lighting, and a killer old-wood bar top. You might think you'd walked into an FCC Annex. But hey,...fuck that. It's still Jim's place. As you'd expect, the sound system rocks. Jim knows music, and he knows where to put the speakers / sub woofer. The sound is loud and clean. Finally, a bar stereo that can do Zappa justice.

Sharky Bar: (Live music tonight.)
The rain kept things quiet at Sharky. Mellow scene. I noted a new group of cute Viets (well, some new, some just re-appeared after a long time away.) The stage and lighting are ready for tonight - they got a blues-rock band from Cleveland. The Curtis King Band has played in town before and I hear they're pretty good. They want to get a foothold in the local music scene, so check 'em out. No cover. (BTW: Check out the lamb special. Damn good.)

Howies Bar (Free grilled sausages tonight)
Watching the brisk business being done by the late-night burger carts across the street got Howie thinking. He's put a grill in front, and tonight, he'll be showcasing his culinary talent. The next Martin Yan? (Yan can Cook.) Maybe. The important thing is it's free while supplies last. The sausages are from Dan Meats; they'll be on the "menu" for $2-$2.50. Good luck, man.

That's all for now.

Rain, pain, and Mary Jane

It's Wednesday night and it's been raining all day, and although the parasites in my stomach cry out for cheap vodka (it's $ night at Sharky), my wallet is bare. Beyond that, my hand is throbbing. One of the sisters was chasing me around the apartment with a broom, and in a bid to escape I leaped over a pile of dirty socks, cut a hard left to avoid the coffee table, and ran straight into the wall. A scout from the US Special Olympics Team should be calling any minute. (I hear they need an alternate.)

The hand is still aching. Mary Jane isn't killing the pain much, but at least I don't care about it. All in all, it was not a very eventful day in the Kingdom.

Despite the rain, I managed to make it over to Lucky Market. I don't relish wading through pools of raw sewage to buy dinner, but it got me out of the house. Besides, I like Lucky Market. I have (polite) sexual fantasies about many of the girls who work there. If my hand stops hurting, I'll be able to indulge in some of them later.

I end it here. By now you know this is no place for intelligent commentary on life in Cambodia. Just to make sure you get the point, I put in a poll. Vote early and often.

Gettin' your daily bread...

Gourmands, bite my ass. I do all my cooking on a camping stove, but it's all anyone needs. Just get a wok, some oil, and throw in some food. It's a simple way to get your feed on. Here's how I did it today:

Breakfast: 2-big ass NYC-style Egg Sandwiches

• 2 large loafs of fresh baked bread: 1000r
• 4 large eggs: 2000r
• dab of cooking oil, salt, pepper, garlic powder: 100r (est)
• butter (est): 500r
• cheese (est) 1000r
• Tack on: 1 STRONG cup of black coffee from the VN brothel down the street: 500r

Total: $1.35

Lunch: Fuck lunch....(but if you must):

• 3 sets of skewered beef "balls" w/ cucumbers and hot sauce: 1500r
  

Total: .30

Dinner: BBQ Pork and rice stir-fry w/ vegetables

2 sets of (pretty good) BBQ pork w/steamed white rice: 5000r
1 egg: 400r
Dab of oil, garlic, stir-fry seasoning, pepper (est): 500r
Some kind of vegetable: 1000r
Diet Coke: 2000r

Total: $2.25

And thus, for $4.20 per day, you can eat like a King (of a really poor country.) So, save your money for important stuff like sex, drugs, and air conditioning. Hang loose folks, and have a Happy Monday!

California 2 Guesthouse closed for another week

Heads up to anyone looking for fish tacos or a good, cheap (bottomless) cup of coffee on the riverfront : Jim is closed for another week while he continues remodeling the front of the building and the bar/restaurant. He's got an army of people working their asses off and it's going to look damn good.

Local pundits say he doesn't need it but hey, what the fuck? It's his place and he wants to trick it out a bit so - cheers to that!

Dig it.