Vacation Report - be afraid, be very afraid

Ubercon just returned from an island retreat on the tropical paradise of Phuket. Retreat in this case is a homonym, but more on that later. I read somewhere that the island was basically the playground for Thailand's wealthy and ain't it the truth. It's certainly nice although my own idea of paradise is somewhat distorted compared to that of a normal persons'. Sleeping in hammocks in the rain and staying filthy in the bush for days on end is how I get my jollies. I concur that the island's a bit pricey; after roughly 12 days I'm a couple grand lighter thanks to the expensive drinks and the GF unexpectedly showing up.

Patong had its moments and I can certainly recommend Andaman Sea Guesthouse run by the amiable canuck Flo (thanks for the reco Cali Jim). Friendly competant staff, clean rooms, new building, free internet and 24 hour bar are all available at very reasonable rates. Great fun and highly recommended.

If there's ever a doubt as to what country one is in all one has to do is count the bare torso'ed males and their owners. Let me get something straight right off. I have nothing against beer guts. I'm growing an impressive one myself. But I don't put it on parade. I know, it's hot alot of the time. But why would some 300 lb guy insist on walking down Bangla road wearing only a piece of dental floss for shorts just after it rained and the temperature dropped to a comfy 25 degrees? The locals don't want to see it and sure as sumo wrestling neither do I.

So... retreat II. The trip was to be a two-parter. Hang on the island for awhile and then hook up with a lifelong buddy from Ubercon's fatherland and his GF for some water based adventure afterward. Well they showed and shortly after, the spider senses started tingling. After a first rate reco from Flo on where to eat good and cheap seafood the three of us sauntered over to the Bangla soi that housed the restaurants. While thoroughly enjoying a repast of prawns, fish, and squid, Ubercon inadvertantly breached what was apparently a cardinal rule of conduct by dipping his spoon into the communal hot sauce, nearly sparking a one-woman riot. Okay, I was raised in a barn by wolves who had to walk 12 miles to school in a blinding snowstorm everyday and living in Cambodia doesn't help much either, so I might have to make up a few years in charm school. I admit that. But there's such a thing as degree and while the signs of that unidentified hepatitus disappeared months ago, the reaction seemed a tad excessive. Anyway, with some nice work it was quelled by my buddy but the ugly little scene left a foul mood hanging over the table like the dull fog over the Family Christmas Dinner when Aunt Agnes makes a snide remark about how dry the stuffing was this year. Such is the GF. Think of a female Howard Hughes without the money or airplanes. With more than a few quirks about germs, she possesses a collection of neuroses that makes Michael Jackson look like C. Everett Coop. Not exactly the friendliest sort, her judgemental nature and outspoken radical feminism make for a poor fit in the land of smiles, and maybe even the land of snears. Dunno, dont care.

Now in all fairness, I can understand how someone with, shall we say, a polarized moral opinion, can be put off by the sight of a young local lady walking hand in hand with an older western dude. And I can see how some people might even get a bit worked up during a friendly chat about it. I dont agree at all, but I can understand it; everyone's entitled to an opinion and all that crap. But when an enjoyable conversation about the similarities between dirt bike riding and mountain biking (for chrissakes!!) sparks the latest in a series of tirades, I'm thinking tranquilizer guns, lithium, and straightjackets. Last time I was in the west, this wasn't a controversial topic. So what to do? My GF is totally freaked out and not eating. My own gut is churning from the galactic vortex of negativity that has locals and tourists whom I barely know asking "what the fuck's up?" Maybe its time to think about pulling the plug on the holiday and getting back to the sunny side of life. It's a strange thought to have in a beautiful tropical setting where everyone else is enjoying themselves, but hey. So that said, it's great to be back to the land of the weird. It was also great to see my pal again as usual, even though it worked out to about $80/beer we drank together between the damage control sessions. So I probably wont be doing that again anytime soon. But of course that's just my opinion, I may be wrong.