New Year Vibe

Cocksucking bathroom door at California 2 sprang out and smacked me in the head. Solid. It left a knot on my brow. At least the kitchen staff were there to see it happen. They laughed their asses off. But hey, I'm happy to spread some joy. It's New Year's time.

Khmer New Year (Un-Officially Begins):
You learn to take everything Cambodians tell you with a grain of salt. (It'll be 3/4-truth at best.) But when Cambodians say they love Khmer New Year, you can believe it. From the hungriest glue-sniffing street kids to the White-skin Generals in their Lexus SUVs, they dig Khmer New Year. And I can dig it, too. Dancing, games, and impromptu street parties - there's a good vibe in the street.

Of course:

Khmer New Year is framed by National Robbery Festival. A magical time of year when Khmers come together and steal each other's shit, so they have a few bucks to take home to the village. Whitey beware. And if you're tooling around on a brand new Honda Wave or Dream, you might just end up on the side of the road with a bullet in your head. Those of you that bought a new scooter for your girl* - tell her to leave it at home for the next few weeks...

California 2 Guesthouse:
Rooms available. The end to the tourist season? Reports from the bars say, yes. The end of tourist season - Another magical time of year. When the girls who've been blowing you off for the past 6 months suddenly remember your name.

Is Cali 2 an earlybird version of The Angry Muppet - without the smoke. Weird, wonderful shit:

• Bored? The wheelchair-bound quadruple-amputee duo have been giving exhibition "boxing" matches. Watching 2 grunting men with no arms and no legs ram into each other and flop around on the ground like dying fish is a base form of entertainment. But it is worth a 1000r tip. They're making $. Look for more of this.
  
• Job hunting? Jobs aplenty in Prudhoe Bay, Alaska. Big $ for those willing to do the work.
• Khmer New Year= big-$ cockfights. Ask a moto where. Blood, feathers, and loi.
  
• Steamed-corn vendor working the river is a win. Vodka ($1) and corn on the cob (1000r) - a Phnom Penh brunch. Get it while it's in season.
  
• Reports say the average age at the Charley houses in Sihanoukville is getting lower to cater to the growing number of German Pattaya trash. Anyone seen it?
  
• More from the beach: Package tours from Sweden. Short-eyed Germans. Drunk Russians. Pattaya-trash invasion's begun. Bad news. Build the wall. Note to Thai government: Stop fucking up.
  

Sharky Bar:
Wednesday's go-cart races were fun. Although some of the carts ended the day in pieces, no one was hurt and the 5 teams that actually showed up to race had a great time.

• Chicken & dumpling soup ($3) getting good reviews.
• Landmine Len in town for a bit before heading off to Central America. Doing business in Nicaragua vs. Cambodia? Nicaragua wants the stuff out of the ground. No bullshit.
• Transiting through BKK on your way here? You still gotta pay an airport fee (700 baht?)
• Cheers to security for not letting anyone rip off the bag I left down there for 3 days. Didn't think they would but...you never know.
  
• April 1st commune elections. They need expat election observers. Interested? Check into it. Unpaid but...how can you say no to an election held on April Fool's Day.
  
• Plunger notes: Every time he finds himself in a mini-mart in New Orleans, he gets to see some drunk-ass black dude yelling at the Viet owner. EVERY-TIME. Weird. But not as weird as re-learning what it takes to get laid back in the Land of the Free. Enough to send you back here on the first available flight. Even if it was an Aeroflot flight...
  

SE Asia Magazine:
They want $4 for something someone did at their PC by stealing photos off the web and cutting and pasting dated stories from various magazines and web articles. I'd rather jerk-off with sandpaper than pay $4 for a copy of this magazine.** Interesting to see if anyone actually does buy it. Slick printing and very professional - these guys have done this before - but you'd be better off paying nothing for a Bayon Pearnik or even an AsiaLife.

Pocket Guide Door-to-Door:
Yet another manifestation of the Pocket Guide. This one includes delivery menus from local restaurants. Although some pages were put in upside down, it looks good - and it's a good idea. They'll probably get more menus for the next issue. Seems like a good vehicle for restaurants to offer coupons or "Pocket Guide Specials." (ie. Free onion rings for baked bloggers.)

Gotta boogie. Happy Monday




(*And she hasn't pawned it yet)
(**Not true)

The Inner Tycoon

Once in a while I think about getting my inner-tycoon on. But how? Gems are mined out. Forests are damn near gone and exportable endangered animals are getting harder and harder to find. I could open a bar-clothing shop, but....that seems like kind of a dumb-ass thing to do. Stumped. I looked to KKrom. She had much to say. I understood nothing. She rambled on forever and wouldn't stop. I looked to the Internet. The Japanese had the answer.

It may be a challenge to find a good ice cream sundae or a safe blood transfusion, but when it comes to nose pickers, I'm surrounded by Vikings. I have access to talent that could make me the Scorcese of nose-picking dvds. Between that and the amount of used, worn out underwear readily available for export, I 'll have enough money to open my own Bubble-Tea Shop in no time. I'll be partying on yachts with twin midgets....I decided to celebrate this lightening bolt of inspiration with a night on the town.





California 2 Guesthouse:
Pretty busy. Khao San Rd showed up in force, drawn by the neon* whiteboard announcing .75 Beer Lao. They talked about sandals, vegan diets, and American Cultural Imperialism (in the form of antiperspirant-deodorant.) But, whatever, they were having fun and so was I. FatTRRY and an unknown at the bar yelling about which one had more money...or maybe it was who had less money. Then they started in on who knew more about money..or maybe it was who knew less. Either way, I had nothing heavy to throw at them, and it was nearing 11pm. Two down and off to Sharky Bar.

Sharky Bar:
Decent crowd. Good vibe. Go-cart race postponed for a week. No one seemed to mind. The sexy sister looking good in a red dress. Distracting. But KKrom has been camped out at my pad, so I concentrated on the $ booze. A sumo-sized Finn chased an agile waitress behind the bar. She ducked under the bar-gate like a jackrabbit. Quick. Nimble. He thought about following and...stopped dead and walked away. Wish he'd have given it a try. Visions of Winnie the Pooh stuck in a honey pot. Loaded up on some (kick-ass) popcorn ($1) downed a couple more and caught a buzz courtesy of HuGrnt. Time to go. 1-something AM. Drunker than I thought but...what the hell:

Bar 104:
Good tunes. Dark. Chill crowd. Lot of women. SITChris ruled the Foosball table. Don't let the receding hairline fool you. (Just kidding buddy.) Vodka ($2). We sat outside and talked about the chances for a new late night place on Street 51. Bar 51 not making the cut. Tweaker working there too unpredictable. Martin left his grilled beef unattended. ChillPaul pounced like a croc on a bloated floater. I joined in reluctantly.** Good shit. Gets it somewhere near Wat Phnom. Past 2am. Foosball champ had to work at 8am - thinking, to W or not to W? He talked it over (with himself) as he headed to his bike. Time to go. But first....

The Angry Muppet:
Kind of empty inside. Wanted to settle a tab. FatTrry at the bar listing a bit. AngryMPT looking worried. He knew what was coming. Paid. Home. Sleep.

30 mins later an SMS Report: FatTrry puked all over the bar-top. Bar staff up in arms. Funny as hell. Didn't smell so good, though.

Another Wednesday.

Anyway, Kkrom just gored me with a toenail. I'm off to treat the gash on my kneecap with some soap and water, so...

Happy Friday T'Y'All.


(*there is no neon whiteboard)
(**maybe it was me who pounced and he was the one who was reluctant...)

Lazers, Lights, Morons

Apology: Ubercon's last post about an idiot crashing his Toyota near 51 and 172 was tragically deleted. Thanks to those of you who sent comments.

I just read a short (good-natured) desciption of this blog as being a Chronicle of Louche Expat Life in PNH. After looking up louche, I decided perhaps they were right. Maybe I should serve the public. Provide indepth reports on poverty alleviation, health care, multiculturalism, and empowerment. Then I thought - I do. Anyway, it got me thinking about International Women's Day - which coincided with $1 spirits night at Sharky Bar.

Sharky Bar:
CoolCatCurtis was celebrating his birthday and pondering the implications of Women's Day. I was too. A favorite topless dancer back in town. Says she got married. Note: Angry Western men are not the only ones who lament the decision to marry. Sexy VN exhibitionists do also. But before I could console, she was off grabbing tourist crotch and quoting (very) out-of-town prices. Empowerment. Go girl. Hey,

Teach her to fish and she'll eat forever.
Teach her what a dumbass tourist looks like, and she'll... buy a house, a moto, 10 hectares, and a bitchin' cell phone with hi-res video.....

Also recalled:

• CoolCat's immediate, instinctive response to someone (playfully) touching his gold bracelet. Like lightening. Happy B-day man
• Diharreah is good for high cholesterol.
• Favorite KKrom back in town after, "...one week in Kampuchea Krom. Now come back to Phnom Penh..." Cool. They usually say they went to Vietnam. This one knows where she's from. WORD.
• Harvest in. Kicking my ass.
• Duelling bodyguards, drunk scooter douches, and twisted metal on Ponchentong Rd. Another weekday afternoon in the Capital. Stay tuned for more on that one...
• Local universities vetting their PhDs? Not so says one . So hey, need a change? Hit a doc shop, pick your doctorate and score yourself a $20+/hr gig at a university near you.
  

Martini Bar and Disco:
Lasers at the M. Lasers, lights, and (maybe) an upgrade on the sound system. It is a sight. Like being caught in an Ewok ambush with light sabers and laser beams flying left and right...However, drunk and mellow - it was too much for me. I had to sit down. I like it dark in the disco - We all look better in the dark - but hey, it looks good. Hopefully they'll limit the light shows to 10 mins here and there. Besides, if they get too hip with all that flash, we may get more like:

The Nasty Bear:
Drunk, annoying, and built like a T-72. Russian hits dance floor and does her cross-floor stomp accompanied by a gaggle of Khmers. Seemed friendly - hugging, grabbing at the girls.... 30 minutes and the Bear wants to sit down. Khmer girls start asking her for a $ - for the dancing, etc....Bear goes ballistic. Starts throwing kicks and punches in every direction - and with intent. Security steps in. Major struggle. They get her dumb ass back in a seat. Show wasn't over - 2 Australian dickheads she came with decide they need to begin their campaigns for:

The Dumbest White Man of the Year Award:
It's a crowded field but they made a statement. Hit the floor doing the dumb-ass strut up and down, left and right - essentially keeping the Khmers off the dance floor since they'd get run over if they stepped in. Security wanted a major piece of them but since they weren't doing anything wrong (technically) and it was 2:30am anyway,...they stood and stewed, and took notes. May they all get what's coming to them.

Deaf Mutes

It kills me to see these jerk-offs posing as "Good Samaritans" to help out the several deaf mute chicks running around by ordering food and drinks for them, and then when presented with the bill, say ' We were just trying to help the l'il midgets get something to eat and drink by helping them out in order. It's not MY bill ! I was just trying to help them out... You assholes kill me. You come into town with your one eyed fucking trouser snake running rampant for any dark skinned ho who can't talk, but you heard they give great head ( their lips are always forming circles to try to communicate, is the barang story ), and then you fucking stiff them by not paying the measly $2-3 for their bowl of thai noodles or fried rice and Beer Lao.

Do us a favor, please, and get the fuck out of Phnom Penh and go back to DumbFuck, Iowa or the Aussie Aborigine Plains and leave these deaf mutes alone. They have survived very well without YOUR fucking help, you jerkoffs.

Just back in town after a few months absence and catching up with local news. Glad to hear that former Sharky manager who got into a moto spill a few days ago, was able to fight off the scumbag shithead local Khmer's who saw him crater on his bike, and tried to steal his money, phone, wallet, etc etc. Wish we could find those little pricks and chop off their hands, Saudi Arabian style. Bastards. Good news is that former manager is healing just fine, and should be back at his new position in a day or so.

Saw some old dude with striped shirt and glasses walk around an unnamed bar with a Beer glass trying to rip off half drunk bottles of beer off the bar when Nature called for the customer. Scuzb alls like that who can't afford to spend a buck or two to buy their OWN bottle of beer and have to rip off other customers should be thrown out onto the street. Maybe I'll set a trap for this motherfucker myself and if he steals my half bottle of beer will find himself drinking my warm yellow piss. Good idea, no?

Hey Pattaya Trash

What is with it with you people. You come over here and think these girls can speak Thai? If you really knew Thai, you would first ask if they spoke Thai. Then they would answer with a simple Yes or NO. Instead you want to ramble on, but you aint impressing no one. Infact your mindless chatter is really annoying in all the watering holes. Oh yeah you don't have to scream either, the person is sitting right next to you. TAT (this aint thailand).

Charlie made a visit and even admitted to it not being a good time. Soaking the towels
overnight in detergent erased any evidence.

Balcony girl made a cameo visit as she was missing the excitement.

Weddings galore all over the city. Get hitched before the rains come and get hitched to have a kid befroe the lucky pig year finishes. Makes for sleepless mornings.

Sharky bbq always a win. In case you missed it, first Sunday of every month the memory part is up to you.

Where Is There Life in Asia?

Or perhaps I should ask, "Where is Asia Life?"

Yes, Phnom Penh's slickest free mag managed to skip February all together. A slight on Black History Month? Conspiracists wonder...

But I'm thinking they just fucked up. While I'll manage a month without Asia Life Magaizine and still be happy, I can think of one group that won't. Advertisers. How many will be pulling their high-priced ads? We may have to wait 'til April or May to find out.

Along those lines:
Another contender enters the ring to take a piece of Phnom Penh's (apparently) hot English-language media market. Not sure what it'll be called, but expect a slickly printed guide to the Capital's beautiful people. Photos of the NGO/Embassy crowd playing croquet at Northridge, getting down at the Salt Lounge and Gasolina, and handing out oversized novelty checks to shoeless orphans. What would you pay for something like this?* Reportedly, $4 a copy.

Good luck.

Anise:
Walking down Street 278 on my way to....nowhere in particular when I heard the distinctive sound of acoustic guitar accompanied by an accordion. Suddenly, I had to piss. I walked in, hit the head, and settled at an outdoor table. Anise - tastefully decorated hotel/restaurant with an upscale tourist/NGO crowd. Alternative couples holding hands, anxious tourists clutching their hemp-fiber bags, tables of middle-aged travelers with plump wives downing bottles of wine, and the accordionist's bored-looking girlfriend. And me.

Smiling waiter asked what I wanted. Vodka-Tonic. (On the menu: $2.50) He came back 5 mins later with a menu and asked what kind of vodka. I pointed at the menu and said, "Whatever, man." He decided, "Smirnoff." Fine. Another 5 mins. He's got a can of tonic ($1.20) and a thimble of vodka ($2.50). Fuck Me.

And FUCK ANISE!!! $3.70 for a weak vodka-tonic.
DIRTY MUTHER- FUCKING BASTARDS!

Anyway, I hope the irony of a 200r tip wasn't lost on them. Fuckers..... But hey, shit like that happens, and I shouldn't complain since:

Mellow Kiwi ESL teacher taking the same walk down the street he'd taken hundreds of times. As usual the sidewalk's a parking lot and you need to do the Phnom Penh Cross & Weave: Around the SUV, onto the street, dodge the durian vendor, back onto the sidewalk, and THUD!! Nailed by a Camry going the wrong way down a one-way street.

The crowd made a getaway impossible, so Camry-punks loaded wounded Whitey into the backseat, shot over to a well-regarded clinic, dumped him at reception and GOT THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. The security professional at the gate never got the car's details, but it probably didn't have tags and besides he was busy with...this crazy zit that just wouldn't pop.....

Good thing the Kiwi had insurance. Long story short: Stay in Cambodia - the leg's coming off above the ankle. Get to Bangkok - hope the reconstruction goes well. Another reason to have travel insurance. He did, evac-ed to TH, and kept the leg.

Welcome to March.

(*To read -not burn.)