Thursday, November 29, 2007

Peak Performance and Safe Sex...what is the connection?


Peak Performance from the rowing teams has always been an issue during the River Festival boat races. Rowers from the provinces apparently "give it there all" often times way before they begin stroking their paddles in the boats. Opting to stroke other things instead and being left drained empty before their big day on the water. But rest assured the government is aware of this and the Ministry of Sports & Ministry of Health combine efforts to get the most out of the members of the boat crews...safely!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Mafia Activities

The City is filling up with Water Festival revelers as I write. Picture a Cambodian NASCAR race - expanded to about 3 million hillbillies. Yeeaahhh - "Tis the season for millions of up-country bumpkins to hit the big city. They stay, they drink, they gamble, they gawk at the tall buildings and the barangs. But hey,...sometimes they bring along their daughters and nieces (18 and older, please..) to help finance the trip. Others finance the trip by stealing shit.

Mob 1 - Thief 0:
Stealing didn't work out so well for one dude last night. Got done by an angry mob who beat the shit out of him with sticks and bricks. Apparently, this is only the 4th time this has happened in 2007. 4th time?? Others ask, "Where the hell are the Police?!" The question is:

Where the hell are the angry mobs?!?!

Opening Night at the Riverside Night Market:
Unfortunately, stealing doesn't always end with a mob stomping the shit out of some asshole who deserves it. Stealing worked out fine for one dude who saw a big Aussie with a back-pack and said, "YES." Took an exacto blade to the bag and slice - off went her wallet. She found out when she went to buy an over-priced wicker basket. But the bag-slasher wasn't the only one fucking up the program.

The Cops Do Their Part:
Tourists at the riverside cafes and restaurants. Enchanted by sights and sounds of a charming and exotic land get treated to the country's most popular sport. Cops with batons beating the crap out of poor people. Yes, in front of a riverside full of visitors, they cleared away public menaces like corn and sugar cane vendors WITH GUSTO. Take THAT old lady! Whack! More where that came from WOMAN-HOLDING-BABY...For their trouble, the cops ran off with the cane machines and steamed corn carts and hauled them off to the station for ransom.

With effort, cane and corn ladies and their crying children were subdued. Right on cue, a little Jap 2-seater with RCAF plates painted in garish yellow-orange tiger stripes with the words, "MAFIA ACTIVITIES" painted on the door zoomed past.

New Mexico lies: This is the LAND OF ENCHANTMENT.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Another Weekend in PP

“Just say…”
Friday night saw Khmerican enjoying post-Joker beers at WA. Once fully juiced for the trip, he decides it is time to depart for M. V-bunny decides she’s had enough and asks Khmerican to drop her off at the pad on the way to M (Khmerican is always happy to oblige the request of allowing him to go to M unencumbered!).

Later in the night, upon exiting the dance floor at M, Khmerican gets a phone call from V-Bunny asking if he had lost his driver’s license. K checks the front shirt pocket and sure enough, it’s gone missing. Seems that upon pulling out his stylish eyewear in front of WA, his DL fell out as well. Motodop calls V-bunny and says that it was found (K suspects security guard) and finder will return it for $10. Message relayed to K. “Tell him to ‘F-off!’”, was his response. V-bunny is astonished by this response and asks K to repeat it. “You heard me…F-off!”

You see, Khmerican hates to be extorted for money, especially by a Khmer, and he’d rather endure the cost of $30 to replace it.

Next day, K has forgotten all about (see "upside down" later in this post) it when V-bunny calls him to inform him that Dop has returned the license to her and she donated $2 to him. Dumbass – if he would have simply told me that he had found it, I would have given him $5 to $10. His loss for being a dickhead.

DO NOT SUPPORT DOP’S TYPE OF BEHAVIOR!


M&M Redux
Saturday night saw the annual thanks-for-putting-up-with-my-ramblings-you-upside-down-drinking-mo-fo’s/top-shelf-wine-blowout/oh-yeah-and-it-also-happens-to-be-my-birthday party for MM of M&M at CA2, catered by Big Al as only he can do.

All seemed to have a good time but MM should be careful when joking about his age, as his dear Srey M (who looked exquisite that evening) bought double nickel candles for the cake. Fortunately, Khmerican discovered this before presentation and Srey M was able to change out one of the 5s with a 4.

King Fisher was last seen clutching tightly to a bottle(s), a sight not seen since he had his claws dug into a Tequila bottle at the original M closing party. Certainly hope he fared better on this night.

Happy Birthday and a big thanks from all of us MM!!! Many, many more!


Pick on Someone your own gender
Sunday was thought to be uneventful until Khmerican showed up and WA and heard of Napoleon exhibiting his fighting prowess. Trouble is, he chose a woman as his victim. Seems that the little-man complex was brought about when Napoleon had lost a game of pool and wanted to play again. Girl tells him “no”, a girl plays first then he can. He protests a bit and when the girl wins, he comes back to play the next game, tells girl something like, “Don’t f*cking talk to me like that,” closes his fist, and next thing she knows, she's eating a knuckle sandwich.

When male WA guests jump to her defense, and she scratches his face and threatens that if he show his face again his days of this life are through, sissy boy retreats to the safety of his own room, never to be seen again that night.

Initial report from Security at WA on Monday was that he checked out early Monday and has not been seen since. Later reports were that he had been evicted.

But he is said that have been looking for a teaching job here, so if any of you educators of the leaders of tomorrow see a late-40’s/early 50’s, short, bald/balding guy, with a problematic half/closed eye and scratches on his face, do not reward this behavior. Scum like this need to be out of Cambodia, and off of this planet.

BTW, apparently Little Man had an episode with the WA Night Manager 1 or 2 nights prior, where all sorts of expletives were streaming from his mouth. Why was this guy still staying at WA? Are there no balls there other than the shriveled peanuts of this guy? We sure do miss you there Bill!


This & That
R-Cat reporting regular losses. Not the SuperLotto variety, but more of the “how could I possibly have spent that much money?” type. Well, R-Cat, if you don’t remember conversing with me the night before, there’s a good chance that you don’t remember all of the R-Pussies scratching at you or with their paws in your pocket. Could also have something to do with that little V that you keep taking home. You know…the one that you keep telling me that you’re not going to take any longer. Could it be that one of the R-Pussies has finally figured out that if she takes a little at a time, she’ll continue to get invited back to the den?

The Canadian Courier is back in town. After a brief resurfacing, the Canadian Couriee/Weasel has once again disappeared, for fear of his physical condition (which is far from a pretty sight). Always a good thing, as others will actually get a chance to get something to eat at the Thanksgiving Day Feast put on by Big Al (with the help of Waco) at Sharkey’s. Welcome back.

And a big shout to KYGreg. After his recent trip to the PI, we found out that there is more than one meaning for the KY in his name. Nothing physical folks, but the AC crew did bend him over and give him a painful one. Hope that you're recovering well and getting a little sympathy from the Thai lasses up in U.T. Hope to see you soon.

Bon OM Tuk this weekend.
Any of you that have not made the wise decision to get out of town for the Water Festival should head on down to CA2 for the fun. There’ll certainly be an assortment of characters there (as there always is) and it’s great fun to watch the province chickies go by...yeah, and the boats too. Watch your bags, pockets, and sanity should you venture down to the riverfront.

Pontoon should be a good location for this as well, but personally, me thinks not my crowd. Good luck to The Connoisseur.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Is it Me?

Decided to do the town Sunday. For a change, I went to California 2 to kick things off. Dig the Screwdrivers - lots of Vodka. OJ an afterthought. Don't want to be OD'ing on vitamin C. Met up with SOF - fresh from a Balkan guard tower.

California 2:
Watched the end of the Denver - Green Bay game. Good one. Thankfully, KYgreg not there to ruin it by telling us the score. Mellow Aussie showed up. Conversation moved to fish tacos, Slavic sit-coms (not funny - but you laugh when they tell you to...or your whole family dies...), and late night Balkan programming. Right on time - naked chicks...Who needs writers? Hollywood should take note. We lamented the lack of late-night porn on Cambodian TV and decided it was time to move on. Work on the horizon. Big M, tempted, but...

Too early for the Walk(about)....

The Dollhouse:
Always wondered about this place. Now I know: Cuties working the place. Stiff drinks. Good atmosphere. Angry Indian at the bar glaring at me...Probably because I was doing a line in the bathroom at Angry Muppet Bar* one night, and he insisted I get out so some hostess he was playing daddy for could take a leak. Told them both to fuck off and finished my line. Hey man...she can wait 30 seconds for me to finish a line....(Is it me?) Anyway, Dollhouse a good time. Tasty chili-chips beat bar peanuts any day. Noticed a pool table in the back and booze ran about $2.00/vodka. Good company. Good prices. Win.

My Lien:
I'm a heal for not stopping in here more often but My Lien's doing well without my help. Busier than I recall - and it was Sunday night - got some new staff working the place and a good vibe goin' on. Pool table in back; still waiting for the dartboard. Cute little VC behind the counter wearing a sly grin. I love that grin. Mentally undressing better than what was on TV. Even the pregnant chick looking good...yeah pregnant but she's dark and has a tattoo...Right. Time to go. Besides...fuck me (!!).....an early morning looming darkly on the horizon. Gotta get to sleep....

Walkabout:
One more couldn't hurt. Decent crowd for a school night. The Felon looking fine in tight white cocktail dress...diggin' the new hair - make-up combo, and since I have nothing left to steal...Ordered another and thought it over. R-Cat blitzed. All chill at the bar being hawked by a pair of admirers. He still had his cell phone and wallet in his pocket- unless they were already gone. But if they were already gone, then what are the pair still doing there? Enough Sherlock Holmes shit....7 am wake-up call taunting me. One more and out. Sort of...

Taco Shack:
$2 beef burrito a winner. $1 drinks a winner. Outdoor seating a winner. Decided to win. Girl working there doesn't like my new hairstyle. She had to re-work my coif. Too beat to argue. Besides, where else can you get a decent burrito, a vodka, and some help with the hair for $3 at 1am on a Sunday?

Universal. Sunday night's cool. It's Monday morning that sucks.


(*located near the Heart)

Friday, November 02, 2007

Scandianavian Toilet Fascist Foiled

Since my new work schedule (one that I probably won't stop bitching about...until they can my ass...) I've had to curtail my late-night habits. It sucks. But life goes on:


California 2 Guesthouse:

It couldn't last forever. It didn't. 75 cent beers have risen to a cool DOLLAR . Vodkas to $1.25 and (most) mixed drinks to $1.75. Menu prices inched up as well although...it's still a deal. Beer prices rose November 1st. To ease the transition, beers were .50 all day on Halloween (October 31st.) Some questioned the business acumen of halving beer prices for the day, but magnanimous gestures = good karma. Sales on everything else rose. Day ended deep in the black - and much good will was spread. Look for more not-really-advertised specials.

Why the hike? Theories: Too much CNBC? Raise in the cost of Kamagra? Need to protect against an expected wave of backpacking BKK Lake refugees seeking hair-braiders and cheap beer? Everyone else is doing it?

Also at Cali2:
  • DrunkenMechanic, CrouchingYoga: PNH's latest street scene, a hairy (and kindda ...filthy) homeless dude known for lounging along the riverside like a reclining Buddha-statue and doing yoga in the alley behind CA2 made a mistake. Asked a tanked-up wrench-head for...a dollar. Mechanic responds with angry insults. YogaMan answers back - with a flying chair. Suddenly drunk mechanic is cowering under a wicker chair and AuzDon is out of his seat trading blows with hairy YogaMan. Who's to blame? YogaMan a peaceful dude - not known for this behavior. Mechanic is. Witnesses: Mechanic's a good guy BUT he should have just said, "NO."
  • Two 20-somethings out on the town. One pretty cool. The other - a flaming prick. Unbelievable - this dude. Guess which one went home with his teeth. Not sure what he did over at DV8 to get the Khmers worked up enough to beat the shit out of him - TWICE. But people who met him said it was inevitable. In a town full of bastard SOBs...he stood out from the crowd. His friend - shocked. Cambodia a nightmare. Wanted out of this evil place - next mini-bus to Khao San Road - where it's (apparently) safe to be a major-league fool. My heartfelt advice: Tell all your other asshole friends about what an evil place this is. Suggest they try...golfing in Scottsdale or something.
  • Rooms are booked solid for Water Festival. Whatever - the balconies are only semi-private. So much for getting deep-throated while glazing out at the throngs of villagers who've flocked to the 3-day event...(Not that I've ever put much thought into that...)
  • Good tidings to KYgregg. Enjoy the Philippines and get back soon.
  • What caused BigESL to smack DrunkenMechanic in the head and pull him out of his chair?? Usually it's something the mechanic has done. This time, witnesses couldn't figure it out. Let's save the ugliness for times when it's appropriate. It's not like they are at a premium. (See below.)

Sharky Bar:

They raised the price of my booze!!! $2.25 for a vodka with ice??? Food prices went up, too. Because tourists have money? Fine. But - soon there'll be ferns and WiFi. A diaper-changing station in the bathroom. A no-smoking section and zany (family-appropriate) memorabilia on the walls....Maybe the wait-staff can wear stripped shirts with rainbow suspenders and sport wacky buttons that say things like: "Smile and the World Smiles with You!" or "I'd love to Take Your Order!", "Up with people!", and "If I don't Smile, You Get a Free Dessert!"

Thankfully, the place still attracts meltdowns like: The Swedish Toilet Hitler.

Womens bathroom a disaster zone. Don't know what they do in there but I've heard stories. A rancid bio-hazardous zone where even the cleaning staff fears to tread. Hawkeye's Auzzie mate needs a break. Takes one look at the women's room and asks if she can use the stall in the men's room. Common request. Not a problem. Manager watches the door just to make sure there's no problem (there never is) and all's well. Everyone is happy. Except:

Olaf "Champion of Propriety." Adjusts his glasses. Checks his hair. Straightens his pocket protector and Springs forth into action. Storms over to the scene of the crime. Angrily demands to know what a woman' doing in the men's facilities. (Pissing, you fool.) Manager - explains politely. Olaf not hearing it. Jumping up and down, ranting, screaming. Confronts the woman. Woman's mountain of a boyfriend tells him to get lost or lose his teeth. Doesn't register. Hawkeye shows amazing control. Olaf sprints back to the toilet - confronts manager - smacking his hand against the sign. Reads aloud, "MEN", MEN, NOT WOMEN!!! MEN!!! You READ??!! What does it SAY. It SAYS what??!!

Manager had enough. Rips sign off wall and throws it on the floor. Now it doesn't say anything! So fuck off!! Olaf retreats to a table near the A/C and glares for hours at the manager, his friends and everyone else. Olaf forgot his meds. Predictably, his kit-loy arrives and Olaf insists that he's not paying it. Security is called. WIandy tries to smooth things over. Everyone else wants Olaf drowned in a toilet - in the women's room....More glaring. Finally he leaves but the mood of the night was broken.

OLAF: Go back to Pattaya. Never leave. And by the way asshole - you owe everyone a Saturday night. (But hey, you gave me something to write about....)

More soon.