It's at Western Union

As for the weekend - nothing new. Made the usual rounds, drank myself silly, had lots of good sex, and not one of the girls ripped me off......Dig it.

The Question:
The question on many people's mind? Why is Homeland Security helping the Cambodian anti-traifficking cops shake down Western-owned businesses? They all know damn well nothing is going on. Is that what the tax dollars are for? I thought taxes were for blowing the shit out of Iraqi insurgents....and I'm down with that. BUT - making it harder to do business in a country that's a pain in the ass to do business in anyway...?

Is it because HSA are too pussy to go after the real thing? Check out the brothels on 63 near Sihanouk and watch the 60-something Koreans and Japanese dripping with women of a.... questionable age. (Maybe it has something to do with the Mercedes with the army plates that's always parked outside.)

To quote a famous basketball player, " I ain't sayin'...I'm just sayin'....."

Sharky Bar:
Seems a little busier but thankfully, there's not yet an explosion of holiday-season tourists or a tidal wave of Thai-expats looking for a new place to settle. There are, however, a lot of women chilling at the bar.

Anyway,.......Dredge filled you in on the bracing the American deadbeat got the other night. It went well. No one badly hurt and by the end he was begging to pay:

CAjim: Where's my money muther-fucker!!
Deadbeat: I...I
Bong: POP
CAJim: You run out on a bill with ME! Fuck YOU
Deadbeat: I...
Bong: POP
CAjim: Smack
Deadbeat: I have it. I got the money,....
CAjim: Where? Where's my fucking money!?
Deadbeat: At Western Union....
Bong: Smack
CAjim: POP
Deadbeat: No...we'll go to the Naga NOW. I'll get it....

....and it went on like that until the managers came and broke it up.

Women rip us off all the time. I've come to live with it - What can you do? Concentrate on prevention, I suppose. But if a dude does it....well then, he bears the brunt of anger for 4 years worth of stolen phones, cameras, CDs, cash,.....

Don't feel bad for this guy. He's been doing it all over town for a long time and it finally caught up with him. I like to think we made a statement, but in the end, I doubt he learned anything.

Martini Bar and Disco:
Might as well rename it Congo Charley's. 15 African dudes sharing a bottle of water and chasing women off the dance floor, or spiking their drinks so they can take them home and run a train. Sharky Bar dealt with it. What's Martini's problem? I really like the Big M, but if this keeps up....My Lien's Olympic Stadium area disco may have a window of opportunity.

On a sad note:

DiverTX made a bee-line to the airport today. Had to be back in TX ASAP to be there for a dying relative. We may be 1/2 a planet away, and there are a lot of excuses not to get home for a dying loved one but he's straight up, and it was the only thing to do. So TX - our sympathies are with you. Do what you need to do - take care of the family, get back to work, and get your ass back here in another month or 2.

More condolences: To Mythicaldude - His dad passed away. He wrote a very moving eulogy/obit on his site. Sorry to hear it. Sounds like he was a wonderful man.

Vigilante Justice

There is the old saying that there is never a cop when you need one. In Cambodia there is never a cop working the night shift and if there is i.e. you get ripped off, want to file a report, or you are in an accident, expect to pay the police. Double jeopardy.

Hooked up with DB at Shark last night having a few beers contemplating Howie for late night football. Jim from Cali 2 comes in and has a few brews and orders a meal. Shooting the shit and Jim says to Bong, "hey there goes that fucker who skipped out on his bill a couple of months ago" Bong says which guy and Jim says the guy who just went into the john. Next thing you know Bong and Jim corner this guy and start giving him an ass whooping. Hat's off to Sharky management for stepping in after they got a few more licks in. Shark security arrives, but Jim says this guy aint got shit and tells them to cut him loose. Apparently he's an American low life that wound up on ya mah and scraping by on hand outs, and has pulled the same shit at Billabong, Red Rooster, and a few Kh joints around town. I got a feeling he'll get more beatings as he continues this lifestyle and won't be seen in the Shark anymore. He's lucky he's a foreigner, Khmers will beat a thief to death.

Thank This!

Wednesday night mean $1 spirits (+ mixer) at Sharky. It often ends with me stumbling out of Walkabout at 6am. This Wednesday was no exception. Since I was to miss the Thanksgiving booze cruise, I decided to celebrate a day early.

Sharky Bar:
Wednesday night was packed at Shark. Good crop of expats and tourists, - dudes from the pool league shootin' stick...Festive. Mix in the dark and sexy ladies who love us all, or at least tolerate us in the name of dead (US) presidents, and you got a good Wednesday night vibe. We rode it.

DiverTX, the Mad Musician, Big Shark, Dredge....everyone was on hand and we were all sucking down $1 drinks. Conversation ranged from deep-sea diving to business to sex and then back to business and then back to sex. Hey, you want an Algonquin roundtable? Come Fridays when we discuss the finer points of Wittgenstein over snifters of brandy.*

In the end, we all agreed that we were too drunk to talk business, or even walk a straight line to the bathroom. Thinking outside the box, we headed off to Gold Star Bar.

Gold Star Bar:
Something must have gone down before we came because security was extra vigilant. Either that, or the guy was into feeling up drunk White boys. Actually, security was on the prowl - about 10 of them roaming the dance floor looking for trouble. A good sign since it usually only takes about 2 beers + 1 Khmer to equal a major problem. Maybe Gold Star is letting the Heart make its mistakes for them.

My favorite local player (Coco) wasn't there, but there were a few recognizable faces from the riverfront restaurants and cafes getting down - along with a hundred or so Khmer dudes.

The DJ is a Khmerican, so he lays down a good mix of Khmer funk and R&B/Rap to keep the party moving. Dig the chicks from the SugarShack getting loaded in a corner booth. I also noticed some of the girls who used to haunt the Heart shakin' it with friends. Note: this is a BYO place. The chicks who come here aren't usually looking to get laid. They just want to hang with their friends.

Heart:
Big Shark and I made a pit stop to check the action. Africans with White chicks dumb enough to buy them drinks. Downed one and managed to hook up with a dark and sexy mama. We made for Howies.

Howies Bar:
FatLensman had spent the night chasing Howie around the bar kicking his ankle cast insisting that the injury was a fake. It's not. Revenge came when FatLensman went to plant his drunken 300lb ass on a bar stool only to have Howie yank it out from under him. Crash!! Splat!! Funny as hell, and NO, nobody rushed to help him up. Actually, we just walked around him all night.

I cut into FatLensman a lot because...he deserves it, but he really is a very talented photographer. (Just a major pain in the ass when he's drunk....which is every fucking day.)

Fat TrY was also on hand. Less of a pain in the ass than usual. He was making nice with Big Shark and despite a few loud episodes, no blood was spilled and more rounds were passed. I even took a dip in the K-hole. By 4:30 I decided to make a break for the door. That damn AM class!!

BigShark came by the hacienda to check in on DiverTX and maybe do a few bongs.
No maybe about it. TX was cool. His date had already passed out and my girl, oblivious to our antics, did the same. They talked work, and I thought about how in the hell I was going to make my 9:40am. I sent out a slew of SMS' hoping to get someone to cover. I received...the sound of one hand clapping.

And thus began Thanksgiving 2006.


(*This never happens)

Das Boat

Sharky, Bayon Pearnik and Cali 2 pulled off a good cruise. I got my moneys worth. Two turkeys on a spacious boat and plenty of booze. Cali 2 and Sharky girls killed two bottles of tequila and plenty of shakin goin on in the basement as well as the star gazers topside. Yours truly didnt even put a dent in the case of vodka on board. 4 hours went by fast. Best seven bucks I have spent in a long time!!! Along that note there was a buzz on board that that new mag Bong mentioned wanted to do a story on the boat depicting Asia expat life....they didnt make it. too cheap to buy a seven dollar ticket. wanted a free ride on pnh's local already established expat mags sponsored cruise.



Ass, Gas, or Grass no body rides free.



Are the lights on here? Pretty dim.



Back to the cruise...3 casualties. One guy, face plant on the deck, one sharky and cali girl gave us a tequila inspired second look at that good spread of food over the side of the boat.

NGOs Fucking up the program:

Sharky Bar:
Setting up a meeting Wednesday at Sharky Bar seemed like a good bet since it's $1 spirits night. Some people insist that the FCC or the Elephant Bar are the only real places to get things done. I spit in their quiche.

5 drinks in me and we got down to it. Good meeting. I even managed to take legible notes, and when it was over - there was plenty of eye-candy to groove on.... All in all, a good festive atmosphere....Thanksgiving a day early.

Sometimes we talk business:

"I saw a crowded market, and said, ME TOO!!"

• As a new full color ad supported magazine gets ready to hit town, people in the biz question the wisdom of spending a ton of cash in a limited market with relatively high printing costs. The 144 page intro issue is generous but how long can you keep that up? Start at 144 pages and you'll need to stay there or readers will think your going down the tubes. In the end, how much is there to write about living here? (I tell you everything you need to know anyway) More importantly - can they sell that many high-priced ads? Do they have the pockets to employ the writers and photogs to keep it worth reading?? This ain't Saigon (pop. 14 million with a large VN middle class and more expats with more money) but....I wish them all the best.
• Heard the last person to try this kind of thing may have lost as much as $50K on the project, and we all know The Cambodian Scene is mostly shit, and last time I looked, they wanted $3 for a copy. (!!!??)

Why is it such a hassle to get a decent magazine or paper going here?

NGOs Fucking up the program:

• Why is the publishing industry shit here? Blame NGO money for stunting the free-market in the publishing industry here. The Cambodia Daily gets all sorts of funding from supporters who do it for charity. Full page Kikoman soy sauce ads?? $98+ 1/4 page ads?? Staff that's paid fuck all...I'd like to see their books...NGO my ass. Rumor: The full color printing press they received as a donation from Japan has never been used on the paper. Maybe they've been pimping it out to printing houses?? How's a for-profit business going to compete with that?
  
• Phnom Penh Post just got handed some cash to keep them in business. Since the articles are basically shit and the ad sales a joke....it makes sense that their main business strategy involves bending over and begging for aid cash....oh, and putting on airs- as if they were the New York Times of Cambodia.
  

I'm not Larry Kudlow but:
Corruption and NGO interference in free market growth will keep this country light years behind it's neighbors to the east and west and it's a real fucking shame. When charity gets in the way of people trying to make an honest buck and develop an industry that is fundamental to democracy and economic growth, it just ain't right.

Bong is Angry

Despite my best intentions, Friday night to Sunday morning is one big blurr. I'll try and relay some of what happened over past few days. Some notable moments....

Sharky Bar:
Drunk as he was, DiverTX made it out from under the clutches of 4 (dark & sexy) villainesses bent on twisting his mind and taking his dough. Good work.

Dark n Sexy: I need money. Have problem with baby. Now baby sick.....
DiverTX: Well, what the fuck are ya doin' at Sharky?!? Go home and take care of yer baby. Crazy bitch.

Well played. Of course, that sent her into a rage, but it was mostly in Khmer. Also that night:

• South African commandos (REKKES) are some bad-ass muther fukers. Next time I need to have someone roasted on a spit.....
  
• Reports: Nana Plaza - 600 bar fine + 3000 all night?! Get a grip Thailand! (And keep your tourists where they belong - over there - between the shopping mall and the Starbucks.)
• Similar note: (damage control) If you happen to be thinking of leaving Thailand and relocating to Cambodia remember - All the chicks have HIV, the farangs are all insane, Cambodians are all armed and dangerous, and you can't drink the water.... Better make it Scottsdale this year.
  
• Fresco makes the kick-ass bread sold at Bayon Market. Bayon in turn re-sells it as their own. So why is it so much cheaper at Bayon? Probably because the Expense Accounts at the FCC like it that way. A Lord of Poverty spending riel? Perish the thought! S/he'd be the laughing stock of the next party at Elsewhere or Gasolina.
  

Rose Bar:
I hate hostess bars. $5 bar fine? Fuck that. However....there were some straight-up foxes there Sunday when we stumbled in around 2:20am. In fact, the bar was packed with an army of very diggable eye-candy. Drinks weren't too bad - $2.50 for a shot and a half of vodka. Unlike the....

Pickled Parrot:
Ok, I tend to rip into this place. But the owners and managers are cool - as are most of the customers. Why don't I like it? Maybe I'm just an angry mother-fucker. Or maybe because there are no women and vodkas are $2.50 for a shot. At least the aquarium was lit up, so I had something to watch besides the tennis tournament - broadcast live from who the fuck cares. It was fun watching FatLensman try to weasel out of his tab. His excuse: "I'm taking too much shit from the staff...." I really don't think they were giving him enough. Where's LScot when you need him?

Martini Bar:
Full of Africans. That's what I remember. Every time I go, it's full of Nigerians spreading disease and selling fake drugs to drunk tourists while they wait to get back into Thailand.


Howie's Bar:
Sunday was Howie's 7th anniversary party and it kicked ass. A pig roast for the ages. The only sour note. JRoller copped my stuff! The deal- I bought her a tequila, gave her my gear, and set her to work. I saw her roll one - then - 10 mins later, she shows up with another that was 50% tobacco. (!!??!!) Like I wouldn't notice! From now on, it's DIY or hit it from an empty beer can. Anyway,....it was a great party. One of those nights when you know everyone there - great game on TV - nicely done roast pork - good gear - good conversation....

• Lanzi's 42kg pig was FAN-fucking-TASTIC. Drink prices dropped - $1 vodkas all night. Thinking of putting together a party? It didn't cost that much. Big win.
  
• The only place to watch NFL games in PNH - well, watch them in a smoke-friendly environment with people who know what's going on.
• BigShrk in town for a good time. Instead he ended up talking to FatTrY - enough to ruin anyone's night. BigShrk deserves credit for not ripping fat-ass' eye's out. I was floating in the K-hole, and his bullshit was enough to kill my buzz - well, almost. Note to jackass: Set your fat ass in a flat-bottom boat (or on that AfricaTwin) and drift off to a very distant land. And stay there.

I seem to be in a bad mood so, perhaps I should stop here. It may be time to call my Viet buddy to come mellow me out. She's like Sigmund Freud but...different.

PS: Tickets for the California 2 - Sharky Bar Thanksgiving Boat Cruise still available ($7)

PS2 - My alma mater (It's a miracle I can even read.)
http://www.avn.com/articles/279430.html

Think you had a bad day?

Or from a different point of view - a day in which you've accomplished something.

Poll fucking up

Apologies: It seems some votes on the poll aren't registering. I realize that this puts into question the scientific validity of the poll, but....it's a free applet.

Keep trying, and again, sorry about the fuck up.

New Jack City?

Brick to the head:
Well, mad & shoeless Musician left the California 2 Guesthouse party Sunday night, made it to within a couple blocks of his house, and got smashed on the back of the head with a brick. He woke up bleeding, phoneless, and without his cash. Fuckers got a $150 phone and $5 in cash.

He reckons a moto he picked up on the riverfront after the party set him up. Was it one of the (ex) Shanghai bitches kiddie crew? No clue. Some of them looked the part, and if they run with those women, they'll always be short of cash.

Note: The motodops on the riverside are some of the worst in town. Set a price before you get on, and know where you are going (or act like you do.) The ones at California2 are the only ones I trust.

Snatch (and not the good kind):
A couple days later, Capt. Electric was on the receiving end of a bag-snatch attempt by 3 scooter douches on a Chaly. They didn't get shit, but the message is clear:

It's still Cambodia. Try to keep a heads up, and if you are too fucked up to get home - try to wait it out.

We can take solace in the fact that someday these evil little bastards will wind up on the wrong end of an angry mob and..."Good Night Vibol."

I look forward to jerking off on your funeral pyre.

Note:
Tasers at the Central Market: $28 (last time I checked.) A Khmer will be able to get a better price.

Poll Results: Dirty Sanchez

Thoughts on the Dirty Sanchez:

Answers Percent Votes 1. It's sick & wrong 15% 5 2. It's the focus of my twisted desire. 18% 6 3. Shit happens.... 47% 16 4. What the fuck is a Dirty Sanchez? 21% 7

I was very happy to see that "focus of my twisted desire" beat "it's sick and wrong."

Have more ideas for a new poll? Send them in.

The Admiral Speaks

Yo Bong,

I couldn't agree more with you about the attitudes of Shanghai girls. I never knew a whore with an attitude until I went there; quite ironic. Someone really should hire me to put those girls in their place. Nothing like Khmer trash with an ego and bad taste in clothes!! I could go on for hours about some of those girls.

A typical conversation in Shanghai Bar:

Girl: Hi Handsome Man, you buy me drink, I so thirsty.

Typical Shanghai Customer: Ummm sure, of course I'd love to buy you a drink, you must work so hard.

Girl: You kind man, here my friend, buy her too OK, you so nice and handsome. I love you.

After accepting the her drinks, the original girl leaves and her ugly mooslelike friend stays, leaving the customer bewildered as to how he was so easily scammed into buying two drinks so quickly.

A typical conversation between The Admiral and a girl at Shanghai:

Admiral: Did you miss me you little twat?

Girl: Yes, big big.

Admiral: You must be thirsty for something to drink honey; it's so hot outside and busy tonight.

Girl: Yes, I so thirsty, I want drink whiskey-coke, you buy me, Ok handsome man.

Admiral: Do me a favor, get me a beer and don't expect a tip. And one more thing, I would rather buy a glue sniffer at the riverside some glue than buy you a drink becuase at least she is going to get high, and you just give kickbacks from the drink I bought to your Khmer boyfriend who will take more money from me after he robs me when I'm walking home from Walkabout at 5:00 AM.

So, I guess you know how The Admiral feels about Shanghai girls and why I am not welcome there anymore. It's ok, the girls at Hun Sen Park and Bo-ding still like me.

POSTED BY: THE ADMIRAL
_________________________________
Dig it Admiral. Work with the anger. Let it be your friend.

We rip into Shanghai Bar, but only because it sucks and the girls are bitches. However, an old / new manager is coming on board from next month, so it might get a little better.

No more holidays...please....

Thankfully the holidays are over. (For now.) 3 days of drinking straight vodka on an empty stomach ended Sunday the same way it began - drinking vodka on an empty stomach. At least I managed to get laid. Charlie Don't Surf. But she'll suck you dry.

Sunday's excuse not to stay in: a birthday for 2 of the waitresses at California 2. Luckily Ubercon was there to fill in the gaps. (There are many.)

California 2 Guesthouse:
I got there around 6:30 and it was PACKED. Mainly with done-up KhChicks and drunk off their ass Khmer dudes. Note: for a room full of drunken Khmer kids, they were pretty well behaved and, as far as I know, when it was over, nothing was missing from the bar.

I mainly remember being squashed up against the bar all night. Didn't phase me. A testament to the honest drinks they serve. As Uber wrote, the girls were hotties, but being Shanghai Bar alumni, they were pretty aloof - better that way. I got no CRV for you baby. Don't even have gas money to fill the one you already own. Nice eye candy though.

The party was kickin'. Good grooves and good company. Why a free party for the staff?

• Jim takes care of his staff.

• Parties draw in a new crop of girls. Note to management: I'll take Hun Sen Park cuties over anything from Shanghai any day. Maybe for my birthday.....
  

• The next time his staff hassles, he can pull the party out as an example of his good faith. (Well played.)

I can't remember shit (sorry.) However:

• 2 (semi-cute) Long Island girls talking about where they went to college. (Damn, leave that shit in the Hamptons.)
• The Mad Pundit behaving himself. No popped veins. No angry outbursts.
• Getting whacked about the arm and chest by a mad & shoeless musician.
• A monstrously large (but kind of cute) White girl stepping on my foot. Crunch.
  
• Good business advice from AAAadam. Word. Cambodia is prime if you got the right idea.
  
• Security for your ultra-light (flying lawn chair) will run $10/day per cop up-country. You get 2 hard provincial cops with AKs and an M-79. Seems kind of steep.

By 11 people were shuffling out. Shoeless musician made his way for the door, and I decided to move on. Damn near a liter of vodka in me and I wasn't into going home. The party headed over to Gold Star Bar. I followed anyway.

Gold Star Bar:
Popular with middle-class Khmer kids and the chicks who work on the riverfront. It can get crazy packed in there but I figured that Sunday night would be pretty mellow. Wrong. These kids don't work. It was pretty full, but they have a big space and a good DJ. A local disco - the dance floor was full of Khmer dudes dancing with each other. (Sucks to live in a country where almost everyone's daughter is locked up by 9pm. Well, it doesn't suck for me, but....)

Not Martini, but a nice change of pace. (Vodka - $2.50 for a shot and a half) Positive note: No toilet gnome to hassle you at the urinal. (Who decided it was a good idea to get a massage while taking a piss? Who likes that? Bad idea. Bad.)

Work at 9:40am was much on my mind and I made it out by 12:30am. Not bad.

Birthdays, Khmer Style

5:00 p.m. - Cali 2
A jump start to the evening festivities as Cali Jim threw a ripping birthday party for Caantou-II. The food and drink were in abundance as were half the former staff of Shanghai and their spikey headed, chaly driving male entourage. The true reason for improving the nations highways is now clear; necessary infrastructure for the road trains of hair gel to keep the yukkie's (young urbane khmers) heads looking like old toilet brushes.

Plans were made for the upcoming bike trip with a simple switcheroo of destinations that satisfied everyone's hectic schedules. Mr. Shoe, Mr. T (I pity da fool who don't ride a CRM!): looking forward. Just don't forget the absinthe and I wont forget the tramadol.

Memory started to fade and behaviour got a bit more reckless when Jim placed a giant bottle of vodka and pail of ice on the bar and basically said "have at it". One white backpacker in particular, who reminded me somewhat of a crazy-religious but sexy ex-girlfriend of mine started looking really good. Fortunately the vodka ran out and we made the call to leave just before I stumbled up to her and opened my pie hole in front of her boyfriend.

As usual, we left Jim's feeling we received the better end of the deal, and with the high concentration of locals in attendance the decision to move on to greener pastures and Golder Stars practically made itself.

9:00 p.m.?? - Gold Star
No longer the well kept secret it once was, Gold Star did not disappoint and continued to provide country disco ambiance only a short weavy ride from the usual urban watering holes. Again we were joined by the Shanghai contingent including the impeached queen bee herself: hey hey Ms.P! With her in command of Sre Eyelash and a half dozen or so of her cloned henchmen, that half liter of Jim's vodka pummelled my perception and better judgement until I felt like some 007esque character on some dimly lit island of bronzed, raven haired sirens. So I guess pretty much the same as every other night out.

Almost forgotten:

• titty twisting white chicks (did I really lick her face as a parting gesture?)
• having to pawn off hey hey P's tequila when she found a better offer in the 3 minutes it took to get served.
• trying to bum a $50 off Mr Shoe to buy hey hey P several more rounds of tequilas and cement mixers. They say she has a medusa like charm but personally I don't see it.

At one point I glanced over to see the missus glaring at me with crossed arms. Not a good indication but I managed a smile and invitation over to our table. As I approached she retreated like she was trying to outrun a wolverine. Eh, I thought and went back to my drink. Nothing a carefully worded SMS wont fix.

The next morning it came out something like "why you angry? I no do bad?" Worked like a new Dodge. Think I'll renew her contract.

The Russian Speaks

Independence Day was Thursday, so Wednesday should have been a big night out for everyone. It wasn't.

Sharky Bar (11pm-2am):
Dead. It was DiverTX's birthday, and I can't remember much except that the women were gone by the time we got there. Fine. Saved some money. We settled down and started shootin' the shit. Can't remember much.

• Chill Larry painted Nancy Pelosi's mansion when he was contractor in SF. Husband's a developer. Loaded.
• The head of security at the Casa Hotel's casino says they catch about 140 cheaters per month. (!!) I guess they aren't yet that sophisticated and are sort of easy to get.
• Thinking about WiMax? The service is getting good reports. CDNlee reports, "You get what you pay for." A ringing endorsement when it comes to net connections in Cambodia. (ps:thanks for the drink.)
  
• Good video available of the Water Festival brawl in front of Pon Luk Restaurant. 20 or so raging (90lb) Khmers. Reviews say: Tom and Jerry meets bad kung-fu movie.
  

After too much booze, etc....we did a birthday round of kamikaze shots and headed to Martini in a slow tuk-tuk.

Martini Bar: (2am-3am)
Disco was dead. The bar was mostly dead. The best part was the accident we saw on the way. Drunk-ass dude with a pile-on rider bombing down Moniving swerved to avoid an imaginary deer and slammed into the divider. They skidded hard - sparks and all - for 200+ feet. The passenger managed to get up, but the driver was down for the count. More sobriety and less speed would have saved them a world of hurt.

Like I said - the place was dead by 2am. DJ started playing slow songs at 2:20....I made my way to the outside bar and was lucky enough to meet a tweaked-out Russian trumpet player. He looks like a methed-up cupie-doll and was recently featured in a Cambodia Daily article.

The Story: Member of British royal family* throws insane Russian's laptop into Boeungkok Lake.
The Brit: "...I did it because he's nuts."
Russian: "...I demand $50,000 in compensation for the lost intellectual property stored on the laptop."
The Cops: "They are both mischievous....The Englishman is difficult..... The Soviet is also difficult."

The (very drunk and tweaking) Russian explained his position: Because he is a highly respected trumpet player in Russia, the Russian Embassy and a number of wealthy Russian NGOs (the city is crawling with them) contracted him to compose trumpet anthems and ad jingles. The contracts were worth thousands of dollars and he couldn't possibly recreate the music from memory. Great trumpet anthems are creatures of the moment.

Besides, a girl broke his trumpet in 2...for no reason at all. He also received several beatings from various people and plans to pursue justice in a Cambodian court. The voices in his head say he has a case.

He's willing to settle for as low as $20K. The police contacted him with an offer of $50. Insulting. He's preparing documents and depositions from witnesses in Moscow - none of whom have been to Cambodia. Not important. What's important is that he feels good about the future. I told him I didn't have a dollar to give him for a moto and backed away slowly.

You've heard his side of it. To Howies.

Howies Bar (3am-5am):
Apparently FatTerry was plying FatLensman with booze all night. FatLensman was pinballing around the room, banging on the bar, and singing and dancing. Howie needs to put pepper-spray on the menu. I settled in. Met up with a fellow American...I call him, Annoying MutherFucker, and true to form, he annoyed the shit out of me. I also vaguely remember:

• Refusing to buy FatLensmen more drinks or beef jerky and constantly telling him (politely) to, "Go away..." He did. He's ok like that.
• Refusing to allow FatLensmen to invest in my snake company. I don't have one. He didn't believe me.
• Yelling at a Frenchman to, "Stop looking at me!" He wasn't. He was eyeing the dude next to me.
• Vowing to go home and ending up at the Walkabout.

Walkabout (5:30-7:ish):
$2 chicken nuggets won out over sex. Maybe I am just a bit older and wiser.

Happy Independence Day.

(*44th in line to the GB Royal Crown)

My Lien Closing....

My Lien has sold her business and will be taking some time off to go to Europe. The owner of Phnom Kiev (Sihn'k Blvd/St. 63) seems to think the location will work as an upscale restaurant. Personally, I'd rather have a dart board and a bar full of Viet cuties, than another over-priced French restaurant, but....what do I know? Anyway, tonight will be her "closing" party. If you are in the neighborhood, check it out. Free food and beer.

Thursday was Independence Day in Cambodia. Mobitel decided to celebrate by fucking up my SMS service. Cocksuckers. Although, yesterday they gave me 15 free SMS messages. Today they decided to take them away. Cocksuckers.

The Long Goodbye

For the most part I made good on my pledge to avoid the Water Festival crowds. I remembered why after my 8:40pm walk to/from Lucky Market last night. The street (Sihanouk/63) was one massive gridlocked mess. Wall to wall people, motos, and tuk-tuks. Khmers love it. Why? Anyway, it's over now.

Kicking out the Room mate:
After buying my cell phone back from the pawn shop/fence for the 10th time in 3 months, I decided it was time to say goodbye to SK. I've tried to kick her out myself, but she'd just say NO. If I tried to press it, she'd get psycho-violent. Very bad scenes would follow. I knew what had to be done. Everyone has their own to-do-list. Here are my humble suggestions for those ready to press the button on an eviction/break-up:

1. Get a Khmer to do it. They'll flip out on you hardcore, but if they are talking to another Khmer, somehow they find reason. (Although she flipped out on my landlord, too.*)
2. Do it like a SWAT operation - shock and awe. No warning. Don't give them time to fuck you up - like rob you blind or worse. A chick poisoned me once so she could take care of me, and I wouldn't kick her out. It worked - bought her an extra month.
3. Secure any and all weapons in the apt. Wrestling a kitchen knife away from a crazed chick bent on cutting up you and/or herself is no fun. Really.
   
4. When they threaten to kill you or have you killed, remember: they'll never spend their own money to have it done. Knock on wood. (!!!)
   
5. Buy grenade netting and put lights up outside your place. (Just in case.)
6. If possible, change apartments and your phone number.

.....I miss her already.

(* He's a police colonel and she went ballistic on him. What chance did I have?)

Mondays

Update:
Happy ending...sort of. The DiversUK and OZ made it out of the Naga this morning about an hour after I left. The casino actually called someone to come haul them away. Not sure how much they won or lost, but they are alive to tell us all about the parts they remember...which would be none of it.

• There was some trouble getting out the door. "Security are holding my gear for me...Let me get it back..." No man, they weren't holding it for you. They (the cops) were confiscating it. Cheers to the security at Naga for being pretty cool about it all. They could have turned it into a real problem.
  
• Back at the hotel: Oz walking into the room of a stunned Singaporean couple, seizing their cell phone, and (loudly) accusing them of stealing it from his friend. He blew the hotel and waded into the mass of WaterFest revelers. Hope he's all right.
  

Sharky Bar (11:30pm - 2am):
Met up with builder STV from North England. He's one of those guys that just plain likes it here. He doesn't party with the ladies - he just likes the laid back atmosphere, and the overall scene. He also likes to drink. I blame him for putting me on the road to ruin last night. Thanks man.

• A very special Fuck You to the Italian tourist who refused to pay for his burrito. (It was too spicy for him.) We all get food we don't like, and sometimes we send it back, but we don't eat 3/4 of it and then refuse to pay. Prick.
  
• Thanks to the kind souls who laid some killer on me - just in the nick of time. Good karma for you.
• The California 2 racing boat lost in the 2nd round, but 2 wins are better than none.
  
• Management at Martini's getting complaints from girls about Africans. Word: they are pulling the same shit that made them famous in TH - not paying the girls, girl goes home w/ one guy and suddenly 5 of his friends show up in the room...What to do? What to do?
  

5 drinks on an empty stomach caught up with me, and the women had moved on. Time to bust a move. Got the 411 - Martini's was dead. Oh well,....

Heart of Darkness (2-4am):
The Heart wasn't the zoo I thought it'd be. The dance floor was all Khmer dudes dancing with each other - the fringe of the dance floor was all girls trying to avoid them. A lot of cute women. I was diggin' StripperVN but ended up with an old buddy - she boozes heavy and looks a bit haggard these days but she can work it...Said she's adopted the shaved look. I signed on the dotted line.

Howie's Bar (4am-5am):
Howie was in a good mood, and the bar was pretty full. Mellow. What I learned: Thai-Khmer dudes should avoid playing the, "I'm a THAI-cambodian"- angle when trying to impress the ladies. The girls were not impressed. All he got was an unrelenting stream of abuse from 2 cute and angry patriots at the pool table. All I could hear was a lot of..."Fuck Thailand...Thailand BULSHIT...BullSHIT Thai..FUCK YOU man...." Dark, sexy, and patriotic. Dig that.

After an hour of retching and horrible bed spins, I was able to pass out. Mondays....

This post may have been lame, but this link is pretty cool*:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/body/interactives/senseschallenge/senses.swf?

(*Credit Sharky Mike w/ this one)

Hey Bong....

I vowed to avoid the Water Festival crowds this year, so I didn't leave my place until 11:30pm. The streets were busy, but manageable. Special thanks to that group of 10-12 garment workers for not accepting my invitation to go out and get bombed. It would have killed my budget.

Sharky Bar: 11:45pm-2am
Pretty quiet. Where is everyone? No matter. Good crowd of locals and some quiet conversation. What I remember:

• The California 2-sponsored Water Fest racing boat won twice yesterday. On to the next round.
  
• The Player-hater I blasted in yesterday's post is, in fact, a killer lay. My opinion of her has changed 180 degrees.
  
• The land I didn't buy in Stung Meanchey a couple years ago has more than doubled in price.
  
• Good (bad) brawl in front of the Royal Palace gave the folks stuck in traffic something to enjoy. 6 angry Khmers going at it with fists, elbows, flying kicks, and 2x4s. One dude was down for a while, and he may not be getting up again - ever. Best part - the cops breaking it up with all the necessary force we've come to expect. The 2 unlucky enough to be caught got tossed a serious beating. Rodney fuckin' King-style. Note: The bad guys over here are well and truly bad and I don't have an ounce of sympathy for either of them.
  

By 2am I was kind of loaded and in no mood to head up to Martinis. We decided to hit Street 104.

Pickled Parrot: (2am-3am)
Bastard Motodop pulled an, I don't have change for your dollar-trick. Fuck that. It's 2am and he's been working all night; he has change. He just wants you to forfeit the whole dollar. Tell them you'll pay them tomrrow and see how quicky they produce your change. Fuckers. Bar 104 was closing down, so I was relegated to the Land of $2.50 vodkas.....At least it's smoke friendly, and they have good music - and if you really get bored, they have a nice aquarium to look at. It was the only thing open. Many thanks to Boozil for his funny dancing and drink spills. It was great fun - much better than the aquarium. 2 drinks and out.

Howie's Bar: (3am-5am)
Howie was in an angry mood. My guess is he tallied the cost of last night's magnanimous open-bar gesture and....he's not happy. But I was just fine. Good time watching an angry waitress swing a cleaver at The Fat Lensman. Even though I vowed never to buy another lady drink at Howie's, I felt the need to reward (and nurture) her anger with a shot of tequila. It was money well spent. ($2.50) The fist waving, cleaver swinging, and well placed curses were good entertainment. As was Howie and the Lensman's attempt to work out a new rule for the pool table. (Something about NO SNOOKERING.) By 4:30 I was ready to go home when DiverUK and DiverOZ (drunk, E'd-up, and surly) came in flanked by 2 bodyguards; they started buying rounds. They'd just raised a ruckus at the Heart (nice) and were looking for more shit to get into. To the Walkabout.

Walkabout:
Security didn't look happy to see us. Another drink and then someone began handing out tablets. I declined. The divers started in on a couple patrons when my favorite nasty VN sauntered over and said those magic words, "Hey Bong, I suck your cock?" Yes. I was about to make the date when I heard the divers talking about The Naga. They wanted me to come along. The Naga Casino at 6am with 2 fired-up soccer hooligans....How could I say no? Besides, it's like a train wreck. You can't stop it - you can only sit back and watch it happen. Off we went.

Naga Casino:
They only had beer - no spirits. Fuck the Naga. It was mostly empty and quiet, but it wasn't quiet for long. DiverOz had worked in a casino and knew how to play, how to count cards, all the tricks...He was ready to win. It didn't take long for them to get intensely into the game. I'm not sure if it was the shouting, the banging on the table, or the leaning over the table to get in the dealer's face that attracted about 8 security guards/cops to our table. I do know that trying to tip one with a vial of powder is a bad idea and so is causing a commotion at the Naga. I didn't think that we were that bad, but by Naga standards...The Management wasn't diggin' it. By 7:30 I was ready to go. I tried to get them out but they got the bug and maybe they were winning. These are cool dudes and I'm hoping they made it out in one piece and with enough money to get back to their hotel.

I got home, did a bong hit, and soccer kicked a cockroach out my front door. A happy ending.

Bitch

Today marks the start of the 3-day Water Festival. For 3 days the entire country descends on Phnom Penh for boat races , concerts, boxing matches, and all sorts of carnival style fun. And, of course - all the requisite (and much loved) sex, booze, and gambling. For barangs dumb enough not to go up- country for the weekend, the festival means:

• Streets clogged with groups of wandering villagers gawking at everything - especially foreigners.
• Impossible traffic - whether you are walking or driving. It's wall to wall people. Avoid the riverside; Sihanouk from St. 63 to the river; Sotheros...Fuck it - don't go anywhere until at least 9pm.
• Wild-eyed girls from the provinces and curious garment factory workers in town looking to have some fun and make a buck.

I was feeling dog-tired last night, but I've been fantasizing about the coeds in my classes more frequently than usual. When this happens, it's time to get laid, so DiverTX and I headed to Shark to get things started, and maybe score some fresh village cutie in town for the weekend.

Sharky Bar: (11:??pm-1:30am)
Pretty cleared out by the time we got there and not many women. But Big Chef was out for a party and there was good crowd of locals, so we started boozin' and schmoozin'. The conversation went from: Women Who Drool to Women Who Open Like a Canyon to The Wisdom of Older Viets to The Upcoming Mid-Term Elections to Hurricane Katrina to Dickhead Insurance Companies to Bathtub E* to Donating to Charity, and finally, back to Women Who Drool. I also remember:

• Word on the (alleged) young-loving CA cop who blew his brains out with a jailer's K-54 - it happened just the way the police said it did. He pulled some McGuyver-shit and used a mop handle to get the gun from under a guard's pillow, drag it to his cell, and put a round in his head.
• The American beggar is gone. Someone finally found a way to pack him up and ship him home.

3 drinks and a j, and I was kind of buzzed. If I was to get some, it would have to be soon. DiverTX and I hopped in a tuk-tuk and shot over to The Big M.

Martini's Bar and Disco: (1:30am-3am)
Not the crowd I expected - kind of slow. Hit the disco - semi-packed. Got my first of several vodkas - shout out to Buddy Holly for the drink - and found my quiet corner. Dredge was working a tall dark mama who I thought would be cool until she made a face when I sparked up. Fuck that. Smell of nature's best bother you honey? Go shake it at the FCC. But her friend was cute. I was pretty fucked up - had to make sure she was a she. After stroking her throat in search of an adam's apple...I still couldn't tell. Exasperated, she jammed my hand into her crotch. No cock. Dig it. By this time, her friends were dragging her out the door. Damn. Also:

• 2 drunk cuties working my crotch all night. Many thanks.
• The DJ fucking-up majorly. What prompted him to kill the dance floor with Rod Stewart and that,"Oh Ricky You're so Fine" song??!! It's a good thing foreigners don't carry guns anymore.
• The bar rejecting Little John's $20 bill. That bill was OK - just been through the wash.

I made a date with one of the crotch grabbers and we headed to Howie's.

Howie's Bar:
It was hoppin'. Good energy. AND - it was Howie's birthday. He was celebrating with free drinks til 5am (!!) Nice. Crotch grabber was all over me: wrapping me up and darting her tongue into my mouth, so I couldn't keep up with most of the conversations around me. What I recall:

• Recriminations of a business nature
• Charges of video-taped sex....
• Jagermeister and Black Sabbath
  
• Howie limping along on a bad leg. Another motorbike ride gone bad.

Another night at Howie's. By 5am, I was too drunk to avail myself of any more free alcohol. So we headed over to the Walkabout to pay for some. Stopped on the way at the corner bar across from Shanghai. DiverUK bought me a vodka and we rapped. Can't remember the name of the place. I'm told it's the, Yama-Hound Kiwi Who Thinks he's from South London Bar. Said yama-hound tried to charge me for a phantom drink. It didn't work. For that I say, "FUCK YOU." It may have been an honest mistake but hey - Unless you are a trucker, fisherman, taxi-girl, or biker - Yama and business don't mix.

The rest of the morning was unremarkable. Lost the dark pixie at the Walkabout** and stumbled home. I remember sending a slew of X-rated text messeges to exes and passed out hard. When I woke up around 2:30pm, I found SK had come home, taken my phone, and disappeared. Bitch. A perfect start to the Water Festival.


(*Just Say No)
(**I gave her $5 and told her I'd see her later tonight.)

Bong is Doomed

Walkabout:
If you are like me, you like nasty women. Supermodels are for tourists bent on boring sex. I look for the aura of filth and danger that signals primal nut busting. Most of these women have been banned by the Walkabout. They wait outside, like hunters in a deer stand, looking to snare you as you stumble out the door at 5am. It works for everyone. (Just lock-up your shit.)

However:
A shout out to Colorado J for taking matters into his own hands and scaring off the vilainess I was hell-bent on going to town on the other night (more like 9am.) A Viet with a once cute face - now scarred to shit from yama scratching. She owes money all over town. She often sleeps on the street and Walkabout's manager and 2 sets of security guards tried to warn me away from her. After a liter of vodka and too much smoke I knew she'd let me do anything. I wasn't listening to reason, and sometimes you need to step in like he did. Probably saved me a bout of herpes and a couple of AIDs. Although, she'd probably be a really good time......